If years of reading Us Weekly has taught me anything it's that wealthy people like to look wealthy. And if listening to Puff Daddy has taught me anything it's that "mo' money" equals "mo' problems." And also that it's "all about the Benjamins." And similarly, he can both "make this money" and "take this money." Really, what I've learned is that Sean P Puff Diddy Daddy Combs likes to rap about money. And he's an asshole. The equation doesn't lie.
Here: a helpful tutorial for the basic levels of fanciness as related to the actions that will follow from that particular level of fancy pantsiness.
- A celebrity wearing a t-shirt and ratty jeans helps an elderly woman change a flat tire.
- A celebrity wearing a hipster hoodie calls that same elderly woman a tow-truck, but then blatantly mocks the woman behind her back.
- A celebrity wearing a Prada anything stabs the elderly woman and steals her purse. And then burns the valuables and pours an expensive white wine on the ashes.
- A celebrity wearing floppy shoes and full body armor spins in an empty parking lot for hours until falling down due to pure dizziness/exciteabilty. (As not every clothing choice is directly related to the dickhead principle.)
Other signs to watch out for: reality stars wearing fuzzy scarves. Game show hosts with impeccable jewelry. 3-piece suits in heavily-wooded areas. Any men wearing fancy bracelets. Suits are okay if they look something like this:
Those are okay. He's probably just going to a wedding. Or is being inducted into some kind of classy hall of fame along with other purple vest-wearing famous people. Either way, you're in the clear. But if the suit looks like this:
See, that's not even a suit. That's a blazer that somehow costs more than an actual suit. And it's just one half of the suit. Do not approach this celebrity. He's probably on one of the CW shows. He'll be a dickhead.
(Imporant Sidenote: if you see Bruce Willis wearing Gucci shoes, you're probably already dead.)
The Oscar pre-show isn't going to show you this stuff. I'm telling you all this because I care about you. The next time I read about a Gap shopper being slapped in the face by a sharply-dressed Seth Rogen...it just...it makes the day a little harder...
Just...be careful out there. For me.