tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14147785487276005482024-03-19T05:31:49.334-05:00Pop FarceRuining the magic one celebrity at a time.Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.comBlogger40125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1414778548727600548.post-21552461839048071302012-03-19T08:51:00.001-05:002012-03-19T08:52:58.469-05:00Visit my new blog...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://coworkersihate.blogspot.com/"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0nQbCZkolfxPRhylZqNpZepIUkiQ__u_SDQCXEa-XfJO5Sojb_ayaBXIjhqpqDG-rbf3A7D8xy8MqkbIZX3HPzdgAoxGmzcLItMDBwr8-5djRJvoZ3v1kW-OvHz7bh0qZFrrHPuT4e42t/s1600/favicon_coworkers.png" /></a></div>Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1414778548727600548.post-28212599064201600792012-03-12T23:29:00.004-05:002012-03-19T08:53:34.134-05:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5R2KRA3q6wpzAd6GE1p6363J_5DE6_fHAO21CGb7sH_Iqb_Oq3v6qw0POJ7nkLuBfhpTT0vEBPz-kPy5ohXE2UZMyVrZhYSTPwE6LxmkbCnofIpMYGEI7V9Nn2kaxzKJlxrAatFiFQ7Ac/s1600/martialartist_oscar.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5R2KRA3q6wpzAd6GE1p6363J_5DE6_fHAO21CGb7sH_Iqb_Oq3v6qw0POJ7nkLuBfhpTT0vEBPz-kPy5ohXE2UZMyVrZhYSTPwE6LxmkbCnofIpMYGEI7V9Nn2kaxzKJlxrAatFiFQ7Ac/s400/martialartist_oscar.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1414778548727600548.post-16155008748951128972012-03-08T14:02:00.001-06:002012-03-08T14:03:30.445-06:00Johnny Depp and Tim Burton Collaborate on Another "Character-y" FilmIt's been announced that the highly-successful duo of director Tim Burton and hunky Adonis/character actor Johnny Depp will be getting to work on another film collaboration.<br />
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Though no plot currently exists, Burton promises his fans that the film will contain a lot of character-driven moments, fueled by Depp's unusual method acting. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMWUckphPA9NFVY5A3nP3ypnOY3k48kivI0JZjZVr4wBv38shvbplo4gDVBgQ2pTg2L000bblLFCwggdnQK-tkwQFVD0Zp8Qkw2lUxT727vnzaASI9hyphenhyphenQEQjN8wZbGGDg_jJc9Ijt8tG-k/s1600/another_crazy_johnny_depp_character.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="193" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMWUckphPA9NFVY5A3nP3ypnOY3k48kivI0JZjZVr4wBv38shvbplo4gDVBgQ2pTg2L000bblLFCwggdnQK-tkwQFVD0Zp8Qkw2lUxT727vnzaASI9hyphenhyphenQEQjN8wZbGGDg_jJc9Ijt8tG-k/s320/another_crazy_johnny_depp_character.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Very subtle moments, no doubt.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
"In the film, I play a man called Messiah Jones," Depp told reporters at the premier of yet another animated movie. "Well, I use the term 'man' loosely. For now, let's just say I play <i>something</i> called Messiah Jones."<br />
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Burton has described the character in the following ways: quirky, odd, peculiar, an outcast, and handsomely disheveled. <br />
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"He'll most likely wear a cooky outfit," says Burton. "Something with ostrich feathers and a big hat. Or maybe one of those monocles."<br />
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"There's something about our collaborations that are just so profit--I mean, creatively fulfilling," added Depp, coughing loudly and then pretending to take a sip of water from a clearly empty bottle. "It would be a shame to deny audiences the opportunity to pay us make at least fourteen more wacky films over the next three years."<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyESLsJTlZuJ3vZqFi5LeAxmBQ4OJkvs51c81bJTBItXy99eBQI7tk9215mN8vpSwDWE5R7G1httC8iFt2T2uJxRVCiXmQ8l1hHSOl2ZRChxw2ityUYv-Nic0oYLVvQSI25-gLK4TUxvAU/s1600/johnny_depp_and_tim_burton.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="251" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhyESLsJTlZuJ3vZqFi5LeAxmBQ4OJkvs51c81bJTBItXy99eBQI7tk9215mN8vpSwDWE5R7G1httC8iFt2T2uJxRVCiXmQ8l1hHSOl2ZRChxw2ityUYv-Nic0oYLVvQSI25-gLK4TUxvAU/s320/johnny_depp_and_tim_burton.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1414778548727600548.post-12830753890101864522011-06-21T21:08:00.001-05:002011-06-21T21:14:28.128-05:00I Still Love the 90s Part II: Harder.<span style="font-size: small;">What?</span><br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: large;">Sorry, I can't hear you. You're going to need to speak up.</span></b><br />
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Oh. The music? Yeah, it's pretty great, isn't it?<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">HUH?</span></b><br />
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No, I...uh, I can't turn it down until the song's over, man. Sorry, it's...it's too good!<br />
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But in the meantime, let me tell you what I love about the alternative rock scene of the 1990s. In a word, it was <i>overwhelming</i>. There was so much of it around, so many bands who all sounded a lot like each other while somehow sounding remarkably different. Sure, Alice in Chains resembled Mother Love Bone, but you would never confuse the two if you heard their songs back to back.<br />
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<a href="http://popfarce.blogspot.com/2011/02/i-still-love-90s-hard.html">I've lauded the shinier, happier version of 90s alt rock</a>, but let's not forget this was also prime time to get up to your elbows in sludgy rock anthems about disappointment, depression, and distaste for everything that preceded. It was a time to wear your heart on the sleeves of your flannel. Sorrow was now a badge of honor. Lyrics about burning loins and drowning livers were ousted in favor of ones about tortured souls and wrecked childhoods. <br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnh7iMIVOPQuBaDpP5fRg-C1Iioy-ds8L-U0QqRZlJuVUvHDe2X4CzGBwVxRKOm1ckOmDBuKobganmxC7MrGDG8Ww8cZ509_kLrkjVWnRD61idIMGOyvWK85rGntVIql1kFcysvW_tQL5R/s1600/knifeinheart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnh7iMIVOPQuBaDpP5fRg-C1Iioy-ds8L-U0QqRZlJuVUvHDe2X4CzGBwVxRKOm1ckOmDBuKobganmxC7MrGDG8Ww8cZ509_kLrkjVWnRD61idIMGOyvWK85rGntVIql1kFcysvW_tQL5R/s320/knifeinheart.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Basically the 90s.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
Here's what's problematic about all this, though: the 90s grunge/alt rock/whatever scene usually tends to separate people into extremely differing camps. There's the hardcore, slightly elitist who view Mudhoney, Pixies, and Dinosaur, Jr. (and other bands no one not in those bands has ever heard of) as the only alt-rock music worth listening to. Then there's grunge traditionalists who cling to Nirvana, Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, and maybe Alice In Chains. The recluses look to Radiohead and Sonic Youth. The goths love Manson and White/Rob Zombie. Those who wandered in late to the party can't get enough of Bush, Stone Temple Pilots, and all the other "grunge-lite" acts.<br />
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And then there was Nickelback and Creed. (But we're not going to acknowledge them any further.)<br />
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And then, of course, there's the relentless number of sub genres trying to incorporate every Neil, Chuck, and Mark to ever pick up a guitar: industrial rock, college rock, ska punk, post-grunge, post-punk, Post Cereal rock (bringing us such greats as Honey Bunches of Shotguns and Shredded Guitar Wheat), and so on.<br />
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Categorizations and individual preferences aside, though, I think it's safe to say everyone can agree on one thing: Hole was a fucking awful band. Right? I don't even care what you think about Courtney Love as a person--if you want to call her that--but you absolutely <i>do not</i> enjoy Hole. Every copy of every Hole album is now on a Goodwill used CD rack. That's not hyperbole, it's fact.<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM2o1Mfp02_Ig2ywjuIG1TcpO6qmWPe8EyuNrpINnT90gBnzE4_QZmPlBnwnlzE1PWxZc6HMMAqomUvougyggzz2S5ysvpwzK92fTH506zcWsry_kuigDy2iYCXk8AmHh3d3jlRWxwEwKt/s1600/courtneylove.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM2o1Mfp02_Ig2ywjuIG1TcpO6qmWPe8EyuNrpINnT90gBnzE4_QZmPlBnwnlzE1PWxZc6HMMAqomUvougyggzz2S5ysvpwzK92fTH506zcWsry_kuigDy2iYCXk8AmHh3d3jlRWxwEwKt/s320/courtneylove.jpg" width="215" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">And every hole in Courtney Love is currently filled with a Goodwill employee... </td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
But I'm not here to dwell on the rotten apples. I also realize that hate is subjective. So while I proclaim Hole to be the worst thing to happen to the 90s (at least until Sugar Ray came along), there's going to be someone out there shouting some combination of the words "stupid," "douchebag," and "charlatan" at their computer screens once I confess how much I loved the first Linkin Park album. (Luckily, I won't hear any of this because your laptop speakers do not link directly to my inner conscience.)<br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">So on with the love!</span> </b><br />
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Though there's far too much to point out individually, I'm going to run down a list of the great music that was made to incite, emote, and make ears bleed. We, as a people, learned about "<a href="http://www.box.net/shared/kxh8hb8mmj43e7lsq8my">Sex Type Things</a>" and "<a href="http://www.box.net/shared/ljoih66mmf">Bullets With Butterfly Wings</a>." We were fed Cake, Crackers, Placebos, and Pearl Jam. (Just like grandma used to make.) Some of us even ate Korn and Bizkits but regurgitated it all a few years later.<br />
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Much of the decade was a Blur, a rather "<a href="http://www.box.net/shared/rctkqlpnxab646v8x5bh">Cumbersome</a>" Orgy of "Teen Spirit" that took quite awhile to "<a href="http://www.box.net/shared/393j20x07458ea07dq45">Comedown</a>" from. We had "Machineheads" that doubled as Radioheads. We planted Soundgardens and Screaming Trees. Dave Grohl became "My Hero" after Nirvana was no more. Eddie Vedder "<a href="http://www.box.net/shared/voazy72f1kssfozbgu1g%22">Led Better</a>" (and longer) than his grungy counterparts.<br />
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Whatever you called your poison, whether it was "grunge" or "heavy alternative" or "space blood rock," there's no getting around the fact that, for better or worse, it was an infinitely cool era to plug in a guitar, dress like a lumberjack, and get your bummer on.<br />
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Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go put on some Our Lady Peace and take a trip down Bleak Lane. Join me?Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1414778548727600548.post-44340974353332595452011-03-25T00:39:00.004-05:002011-06-21T21:10:14.574-05:00Word Sex<b><i>Auto erotic asphyxcianado</i></b> = Someone well-versed in the art of sexual choking.<br />
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<i><b>Balloon-y Tunes</b></i> = Bugs and Daffy in a Thanksgiving Day Parade.<br />
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<i><b>Bananigans</b></i> = Restaurant with a very limited menu.<br />
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<i><b>Beelzetub</b></i> = A hot tub that's just far too hot.<br />
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<i><b>Goo Goo Fighters</b></i> = The band behind every rock song on the radio in the 90s.<br />
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<i><b>Medieval Knieval</b></i> = Man who jumped fire-breathing dragons on his steed.<br />
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<i><b>Mismanage à trois</b></i> = Why you and your best friend aren't on speaking terms.<br />
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<i><b>Parentesticals</b></i> = An aside to one's genitals.<br />
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<i><b>Pronounciationanigans</b></i> = What's keeping you from being able to say this word.Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1414778548727600548.post-41939396662409556372011-03-16T14:27:00.004-05:002011-03-16T19:04:08.161-05:00American Airlines Charges Extra for Those Fleeing Bahrain, Also Offers Charlie Sheen Free Tropical Getaway.<b>Increasingly dangerous protests in Bahrain that have so far resulted in riots, <a href="http://www.indianexpress.com/news/six-killed-as-bahrain-army-swoops-down-on-protesters/763179/">several deaths</a>, and a general sense of hostile unrest, can now also add "population isolation" to its effects on the island.<br />
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American Airlines, a primary source of flights for U.S. citizens traveling to and from the island, has begun sharply increasing the price of tickets from Bahrain to the U.S. in order to capitalize on the amount of people trying to leave the area. </b><br />
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In related news, American Airlines has also offered to fly actor Charlie Sheen to the tropical resort of his choosing, and put him up in an ocean-view suite, at no cost.<br />
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<b> The long-running grudge between Sunnis and Shiites has now escalated to the point that the king of Bahrain has declared a <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-middle-east-12749661">3-month long state of emergency</a>. Many American citizens were told by booking agents at American Airlines that they would have to pay much higher fees than they would have in previous weeks if they wanted to leave the island.</b><br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtLnIsj7oELXf4nOL0MkjlQwEA3v4aoU2PiEcDuSAzNuhJgVROVvqmX10BVJ22Z8EizGjT9uJPba2ndtRIqpz9i1V8gz1vGEjMrt4bt7oYdSGmlyCu6nepLTwNVYeEXk6SL0AGBiA7fAkL/s1600/bahrain-protests.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjtLnIsj7oELXf4nOL0MkjlQwEA3v4aoU2PiEcDuSAzNuhJgVROVvqmX10BVJ22Z8EizGjT9uJPba2ndtRIqpz9i1V8gz1vGEjMrt4bt7oYdSGmlyCu6nepLTwNVYeEXk6SL0AGBiA7fAkL/s1600/bahrain-protests.jpg" /></a></div><b><br />
When reached for comment about why the airline is now charging extra, one AA manager commented that the situation in Bahrain, <a href="http://www.abc.net.au/lateline/content/2011/s3166027.htm">where martial law was recently implemented</a>, "must not be that serious." </b><br />
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However, Charlie Sheen's recent breakdowns in the national news media have now elevated the possibility of his permanent withdrawal from television and film to "super serious" levels. Representatives for American Airlines realize how taxing the last couple weeks must have been for Sheen, and considered the free vacation a necessary deed to the Two and a Half Men star. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTdVySaQZHVKFgiOShKMDyqROQfVApNBp9McPoMKvTAbshLv5YpeIZ5K-Jf0NnrtUV5ZwXUIVZxu6nCJc5kS7HU1UjKBz9TIJSmF_juBABHZimJW5-YzH573VY6E219UwBp15adzCMz9HP/s1600/SheenMarch2009.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="370" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTdVySaQZHVKFgiOShKMDyqROQfVApNBp9McPoMKvTAbshLv5YpeIZ5K-Jf0NnrtUV5ZwXUIVZxu6nCJc5kS7HU1UjKBz9TIJSmF_juBABHZimJW5-YzH573VY6E219UwBp15adzCMz9HP/s400/SheenMarch2009.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br />
"He's given all of us so much joy over the years," said one AA spokesperson. "We figured this is a good start to showing our immeasurable gratitude."<br />
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<b> A one-way ticket from Bahrain to the United States currently costs more than a round-trip flight. Theoretically, if someone wanted to permanently flee the dangerous riots of Bahrain today, that person would pay $1,106 to land in Des Moines, Iowa. However, if that person wished to flee the riots for only a day to get a whiff of the fresh, relatively kill-free Des Moines air, and then promptly return to the dangerous conditions of Bahrain the following day, they would pay just $818. </b><br />
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Sheen has been going back and forth between either Sandals and Bali, but so far hasn't reached a final decision for his fully-comped trip. He's ruled out Maui because he's already been there several times with his ex-wife Denise Richards, which, in Sheen's own words, "totally taints the thermal ecstasy of the sand now." <br />
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Another spokesman for American Airlines stated the company plans to raise prices even further if the civil unrest isn't resolved by next week. "People paying $1,100 now should count themselves lucky," he said. "Next week we're going to start charging pints of human blood."<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-oXnkj4nPcve_623uFMhaOcwJh5lXfPVU4clCY3U-9zmASOKm0lCRRhWCzMrH10sGUhwRI6RadDR76H_KV_yQhifdb8y76lVsR0FESMfS1Ztbx0R0MK-JfOU-FvDXztUdnGVHSHDsxA1z/s1600/Separation+Strip.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="10" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-oXnkj4nPcve_623uFMhaOcwJh5lXfPVU4clCY3U-9zmASOKm0lCRRhWCzMrH10sGUhwRI6RadDR76H_KV_yQhifdb8y76lVsR0FESMfS1Ztbx0R0MK-JfOU-FvDXztUdnGVHSHDsxA1z/s400/Separation+Strip.JPG" width="400" /></a></div><br />
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<i>*In a completely farce-less sidebar: please show your disgust by posting this article to your Facebook, Twitter, or other social networking account and write in to American Airlines about this outrageous act of greed!</i><br />
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<i>**Also, only what's presented <b>in bold </b>is factual information, the rest is purely fictitious. </i>Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1414778548727600548.post-3168637791768499452011-03-11T18:59:00.000-06:002011-03-11T18:59:07.312-06:00Does a Pooh Bear Crap in the Hundred Acre Woods?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsuT1HMUN-BZlmVE0UP9zQ49WsPDEgL9Fv5i1oQP6r_eIABIYAElPAP5oCLMXJxKkFbUZXltqHdrlRt7rXm6oTCGDXKv1p8E1K2XCv6sPlfRyerBpP6mVlIG-kP7bEJpifS2oG_Ey2-lFo/s1600/Pooh_letter0001.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsuT1HMUN-BZlmVE0UP9zQ49WsPDEgL9Fv5i1oQP6r_eIABIYAElPAP5oCLMXJxKkFbUZXltqHdrlRt7rXm6oTCGDXKv1p8E1K2XCv6sPlfRyerBpP6mVlIG-kP7bEJpifS2oG_Ey2-lFo/s640/Pooh_letter0001.jpg" width="464" /></a></div>Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1414778548727600548.post-45830720000128214012011-02-18T08:52:00.002-06:002011-02-18T08:54:05.341-06:00Brad Pitt and Johnny Depp to Star in Movie Together, Bring Women Everywhere to Tear-gasms<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0En2j3z5F7Oi7FFeS2154xnVc1splxFwtN9NxydsHVOrE6mRXzMkibTiJjYs7dkefAaq62RlVlzfK8Oc76ZslK52HzRI0DVf_cSjPTO1YrDvb7sd5P3syevKgXLU60zQtq2ba3JGb6iiW/s1600/PittDepp_sidebyside.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="254" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0En2j3z5F7Oi7FFeS2154xnVc1splxFwtN9NxydsHVOrE6mRXzMkibTiJjYs7dkefAaq62RlVlzfK8Oc76ZslK52HzRI0DVf_cSjPTO1YrDvb7sd5P3syevKgXLU60zQtq2ba3JGb6iiW/s320/PittDepp_sidebyside.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
"It's finally happening," says 39-year old Julie Seyers of Elkhart, Indiana. "It's my most beautiful dream coming true."<br />
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Rumors about a film starring two of the most prominent actors of the last two decades arose in an online forum discussion titled <a href="http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?topic=334&uid=115247615160007"><b><span style="color: blue;">"OOOOMaG! JoHnNy n BrAd 2getha SOOOOON!!!!!"</span></b></a> <br />
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"Except, in the dream version, I'm in between them. And there's a lot of non-toxic oils involved," the mother of two continues.<br />
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A blogger with the username Brand_Pijol, a less-popular portmanteau of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, tweeted the post, adding that the film will be "offfffff the hooooooook sexAY!"<br />
<br />
"Oh, the things that we do to each other. Sometimes it's me and Johnny. Sometimes it's me and Brad," says Seyers, who celebrated her 12-year anniversary with her husband, Paul, in January. "And other times, it's just Johnny and Brad."<br />
<br />
Several of the web's most reliable sources, including TMZ and Perez Hilton, have since confirmed that Depp and Pitt are signed on to co-star, with Ashton Kutcher, Leo DeCaprio, and Ryan Reynolds filling the supporting roles. George Clooney and Denzel Washington will reportedly make cameos.<br />
<br />
This will be the first time the two 47-year-old heartbreakers have shared the screen since 1988, when a then twenty-something Pitt appeared on 21 Jump Street.<br />
<br />
"That Brad is such a tease sometimes," adds Seyers, now 20 minutes late for picking her son up from soccer practice. "But Johnny...he's down-to-business. They compliment each other well." <br />
<br />
It remains unclear how the superstars were brought together for the project, though some speculate it was a connection through Angelina Jolie, who recently starred alongside Depp in The Tourist, that made it happen.<br />
<br />
The as-of-yet untitled project will feature both stars "shirtless in sophisticated situations," according to every comments section of the World Wide Web.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwLIf4A9HzR1E0HoWgl95OtTVhs_P34fbb0aShVq45_8fIxeixD9i2fyVKKVYH4qGtPcwbRFUCHRBsUq1F9plp0brlSvbpiDVse7i2m57NMDvQQ4vKdPpHswQNRmPObzE_JCyiQpeHaYWI/s1600/depppitt.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwLIf4A9HzR1E0HoWgl95OtTVhs_P34fbb0aShVq45_8fIxeixD9i2fyVKKVYH4qGtPcwbRFUCHRBsUq1F9plp0brlSvbpiDVse7i2m57NMDvQQ4vKdPpHswQNRmPObzE_JCyiQpeHaYWI/s320/depppitt.jpeg" width="240" /></a></div>Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1414778548727600548.post-50229559826825334482011-02-07T11:09:00.003-06:002011-02-10T15:02:34.253-06:00Commando Cats<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4q6keGJQ-qIFT1hHkHDRZaZ5CGIwReXzJmBvCPQqWdTfo17FwJQSWQ4RQ5-h1wt7oN4hUGXiv6wHdr2D1m347J4necEWN9ensfT1CQWhSe0scr1Mx02O8VrNFzcBIJvC9kgR88gttxN9X/s1600/DSCN3688.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4q6keGJQ-qIFT1hHkHDRZaZ5CGIwReXzJmBvCPQqWdTfo17FwJQSWQ4RQ5-h1wt7oN4hUGXiv6wHdr2D1m347J4necEWN9ensfT1CQWhSe0scr1Mx02O8VrNFzcBIJvC9kgR88gttxN9X/s320/DSCN3688.JPG" width="320" /></a></div><br />
It's 0200 hours. Me and my men have the only open eyelids in a 550-square-foot radius.<br />
<br />
Our rations have dwindled to almost nothing. Some have already grown delusional with hunger and we probably don't have enough Whisker Lickin's to make it through the night. <br />
<br />
But I'll be damned if I'm gonna walk away from this mission without a victory. I will not live in a world where mangy, backside-sniffing, walking puddles of slobber rule with an iron paw. I will not stand aside as they pant their way to the top of the heap, offering nothing but an occasional hot mess on the new carpet.<br />
<br />
I will <i>never </i>say die to a dog.<br />
<br />
We've lost some good felines along the way. I...lost a best friend. And I won't soon forget the image of Sergeant Pickles--the best goddamn soldier a commander could ask for--being chased into the vast darkness of that basement...where only the unspeakable happens... <br />
<br />
<i>"Major Bojangles, one of your paws is bleeding, sir! We should have the medic take a look at that."</i><br />
<br />
My mouth is suddenly overwhelmed by the taste of kitty litter. Private Muffin Top is a good kid, but he's got the nerves of a squirrel and the gas of a 15-year-old house cat. I can only imagine what his guts must feel like in the heat of battle. I'm just glad he's got better control of his weaponry than he does his colon.<br />
<br />
<i>"Son, I ain't got time to bleed. And if the medic's lookin' at anything, it's gonna be that suffocating stench you carry around in your intestines."</i><br />
<br />
If I had a penny for every time I made a new solider whimper, I could make it rain Fancy Feast.<br />
<br />
<i>"Listen up, troops. We're getting ready to move into the final phase of our mission."</i><br />
<br />
As I scan the faces of my men, I see a collection of weary eyes and heartache-heavy expressions. It's sometimes easy to forget that these cats have feelings, too.<br />
<br />
After all, we're not hate machines. We're just war machines.<br />
<br />
<i>"I know we're all tired. Our souls...they're heavy with fatigue and even heavier with the memories of those we left behind: Blaine. Dutch. Poncho. Colonel Spiffy. Our enemies...they want this jungle--with its mountains of suede and its electronic sunrises--to shut us out. They want us to feel out of place. They want us to feel like men without a home.</i><br />
<br />
<i>Well I say we lay out the welcome mat for these bastards and show them whose place this really is. Tonight we take back what is rightfully ours!"</i><br />
<br />
A collective purr rises into the air. They come up off their haunches for the first time since The Battle at Ottoman Square. <br />
<br />
<i>"I promise you all one thing: when this is over, when we've got canine teeth under our feet and their slobbering jaws tight in our hands, you're going to go home to your wives, your kittens...your favorite lounge pillows. </i><br />
<br />
<i>You're going home, soldiers."</i><br />
<br />
If they knew how to clap their paws together, the applause would be overwhelming. As it is, the meows are loud and screeching; the way they should be.<br />
<br />
But joy doesn't last very long on the battlefield. Within seconds, the high-pitched exclamations of my soldiers are overtaken by a series of low, hollow grunts--the unmistakable sound of a bloodhound. <br />
<br />
From out of the shadows, his dripping snout appears; a hound's only real weapon. <br />
<br />
Another booming grunt sends my soldiers scattering for cover, barricading themselves behind the square, painted trees and ducking into plastic leaves.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ2O0csuDUOhlchuWAnbTvnYwppAxM4WSFCMobAOVuRWF_uvYgCMHwkT-Fi_P2pcmR6jkOzBh5IhkpO7af7PRJkULXhI17YYQRGloRu3zd64EiPvTG6O0JNavnHqviWPz-T1tp8_KWElA0/s1600/inhiding.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQ2O0csuDUOhlchuWAnbTvnYwppAxM4WSFCMobAOVuRWF_uvYgCMHwkT-Fi_P2pcmR6jkOzBh5IhkpO7af7PRJkULXhI17YYQRGloRu3zd64EiPvTG6O0JNavnHqviWPz-T1tp8_KWElA0/s320/inhiding.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
It's easy to fear what you do not know. But I know this snot-ridden face is nothing to fear.<br />
<br />
<i>"Brigade, regroup! This hound isn't a threat. He's nothing more than a scout with a scary voice."</i><br />
<br />
The first to inch out of hiding was Corporal Skittles. <i>"But sir, he's a purebred!"</i><br />
<br />
<i>"Skittles, I eat purebreds for breakfast. And right now...I'm pretty hungry..."</i><br />
<br />
<div style="color: #38761d;"><br />
</div><div style="color: #38761d; text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-size: large;"><b>To Be Continued...</b></span></i></div>Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1414778548727600548.post-16007378966178087722011-02-01T15:07:00.006-06:002011-02-01T15:22:11.538-06:00I Still Love the 90s. Hard.Tell me, do you like hip-hop?<br />
<br />
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Then I'm not talking to you.</span></b></div><br />
How about indie folk?<br />
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><br />
</b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Get the fuck out of my face. Seriously.</span></b></div><br />
How about 90s rock music? <br />
<br />
Yeah? How about 90s <i>alt</i> rock? Okay, how about 90s <i>light</i> alt rock? <br />
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><br />
</b></div><div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Well then, all right! Let me buy you a beer!</span></b></div><br />
No, not really. This is the internet. I have no way of doing that. But, tell ya what, I'll go grab one from my fridge, you go grab one from yours, and we can drink together across the wires.<br />
<br />
I gotta tell ya, it's nice to finally find someone who's not too busy "gettin' their swag on" or "crankin' that" to appreciate a bouncy and/or mopey 90s rock song when they hear it. <br />
<br />
It was a fucking amazing era, wasn't it? I swear, every time the radio plays Oasis, an angel gets high and fails out of angel college.<br />
<br />
True story: in 1993, the Statue of Liberty read: "Give me your Blues Travelers, your Foo Fighters, your Collective Souls yearning to be Better Than Ezra." (Sidenote: It was promptly replaced to its original wording in 1995 when Collective Soul released "The World I Know." What a shitty song.)<br />
<br />
Go ahead, call me a fag for listening to the Gin Blossoms.<br />
<br />
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">I dare you.</span></b></div><br />
The fact is, anyone who listens to <a href="http://www.box.net/shared/xadnq69sns">Hey Jealousy</a> and doesn't get a little wistful...well, <i>they're </i>the ones who are wrong. <br />
<br />
The 90s were breeding grounds for some of the best One-Hit Wonders to ever not...ya know...get a second hit. Remember all the success The Verve had after their big breakthrough? Me neither! But <a href="http://www.box.net/shared/rf0unmpm6b">Bittersweet Symphony</a> was a great fucking song.<br />
<br />
Like a cheesy, melodic wine, these tunes only get better with age. "Breakfast at Tiffany's," for example: like nails on a chalkboard when I first heard it, but 15 years later, it's delightful. Ditto for anything the Spin Doctors ever put out.<br />
<br />
(Some of you right now are thinking to yourselves: <i>who are the Spin Doctors? And who sang Breakfast at Tiffany's? ...was it the Spin Doctors?</i> To you people: go read a book, the rest of this does not concern you.)<br />
<br />
I'm sure a few of you are thinking, <i>"you're just selectively remembering the best parts of the era; there was a also ton of shit on the radio from 90 to 99."</i> This is the part where you "helpfully" namedrop bands like Goo Goo Dolls, Blessid Union of Souls, Sister Hazel, Hootie (and his Blowfish), Matchbox 20, Vertical Horizon, Live, Tonic...and Sugar Ray.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcCl3SfZueVa1i-h5vrNlNlj7sCMaCabjUcwqQVGJmur80KgdkwJqW0sooOrDSfvFIcWpixAg-O295cssB2khc6gIHQ_JflZt4A6wQoirzod27N06CPDdOrObKuNpWYwRw0NuCFZLJs1Zj/s1600/Mark_McGrath_2009.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcCl3SfZueVa1i-h5vrNlNlj7sCMaCabjUcwqQVGJmur80KgdkwJqW0sooOrDSfvFIcWpixAg-O295cssB2khc6gIHQ_JflZt4A6wQoirzod27N06CPDdOrObKuNpWYwRw0NuCFZLJs1Zj/s400/Mark_McGrath_2009.jpg" width="266" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mark McGrath: the worst thing to happen to music since AIDS.</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
I can't say much in response to that. But I can say this: <a href="http://www.box.net/shared/39x6zqt6zg">Dizzy</a> was a good song, <a href="http://www.box.net/shared/oenexpha8j">Hey Leonardo (She Likes Me For Me)</a> is better than you remember it being, Sister Hazel put out <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Heartland-Highway/dp/B0045E5UR0/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=dmusic&qid=1296342536&sr=1-2">two</a> great <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Release/dp/B002KWH5GI/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&s=dmusic&qid=1296342536&sr=1-4">albums</a> in the past two years, Hootie is the most tolerable thing in country music, and all those other guys are most likely working for minimum wage somewhere in Idaho. So it all evens out.<br />
<br />
Now, I've already listed some wonderful goodness to come out of the speakers of the 90s, but I've left out some of the greatness.<br />
<br />
Between 1990 and 1999, we were lucky enough to have the radio give us Everclear, No Doubt, Mighty Mighty (mighty) Bosstones, the lighter side of Green Day, the beginnings of Ben Folds, the Lemonheads, a very commercial (and more fun) Tom Petty, "Today" and "Tonight, Tonight," Oasis a.k.a. the most artistic drunks in the world, two types of Crows (both Black and Counting), Third-Eye Blind, the mopiest of R.E.M., and Lenny Kravitz. <br />
<br />
<div style="font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">Remember Lenny Kravitz?</span></b></div><br />
So, haters of this wonderfully prosperous decade for the jaunty, jangly, less-distorted side of alternative rock music, you have fun with your Daughtry and your Fray and your Coldplay.<br />
<br />
I'll be over here in the corner listening to Fastball.Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1414778548727600548.post-8730144903858540572011-01-29T15:57:00.000-06:002011-01-29T15:57:36.852-06:00Essentially Condensed Reviews: Michael Jackson - Thriller.Today I'm looking at the album that spawned half a dozen hits--including "Beat It," "Billie Jean," and "Human Nature"--and jump-started the solo career of the youngest member of Jackson 5. I'm talking of course, about <i>Thriller</i>.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFUn00Tra3rsA-q9brrM4D_8gB3E9666d66iXEt-EoGMe0Lu2zMuQ-yZIq5h4FuZs0lMZEG0qidlsjNllAnjg5Br2LvFwTF9ttJc4z-p1aQHyRiMZnaUzLQja63kS1kA4C27B60gwOQGNS/s1600/thriller.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFUn00Tra3rsA-q9brrM4D_8gB3E9666d66iXEt-EoGMe0Lu2zMuQ-yZIq5h4FuZs0lMZEG0qidlsjNllAnjg5Br2LvFwTF9ttJc4z-p1aQHyRiMZnaUzLQja63kS1kA4C27B60gwOQGNS/s1600/thriller.jpg" /> </a></div><br />
It's, uh...it's got a great beat. Really danceable.<br />
<br />
<br />
Next week I'll take a look at an album that featured a plain, white cover, and went on to sell millions.Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1414778548727600548.post-26991318821818172442011-01-18T20:08:00.067-06:002011-01-19T10:16:19.235-06:00interREview with Nickelback's Chad Kroeger.<span class="rkr"> Thanks for logging onto Pop Farce, your home for the best in music reviews. I am sitting here with Chad Kroeger, lead singer for the world-famous hard rock band Nickelback, for a special feature called <b>"interREview."</b> This is where we talk to artists for a collaborative reviewing process and let them share some of thoughts on their past work. This week, we’re looking at the album that gave Nickelback their breakthrough into the mainstream, <i>Silver Side Up</i>. Chad, it’s good to have you here. </span><br />
<span class="rkr"></span><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgon-b4-bIkxtME_JGcisA7LxG5ggTbHLsjQbwih_Sf4g9wFATN1fYyW6dl-ZJW5HmluiSft1PdAXPFfNSApU8Bc42O6umXr_ISfuFAS6OxEOeQvQjRaMoyLVC99Hnur-AaiJfWbq1kwDel/s1600/silversideup.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgon-b4-bIkxtME_JGcisA7LxG5ggTbHLsjQbwih_Sf4g9wFATN1fYyW6dl-ZJW5HmluiSft1PdAXPFfNSApU8Bc42O6umXr_ISfuFAS6OxEOeQvQjRaMoyLVC99Hnur-AaiJfWbq1kwDel/s320/silversideup.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<span class="rkr"> <b>Chad Kroeger:</b> Yeah, thanks for having me. <br />
<br />
<b>Pop Farce:</b> Now, <i>Silver Side Up </i>was no doubt a defining moment in your career. It certainly broadened your audience, and with that, allowed for many future successes. But it also opened the floodgates to detractors who felt that you had gotten too big too fast. One critic said that you went "from relative obscurity to radio leeches in less time than it takes to shave a pubic mane."</span><br />
<br />
<span class="rkr">What did you think when you first heard these types of criticisms?<br />
<br />
<b>Chad:</b> Well, actually, I'd never heard that particular one. And I think the term "radio leeches" is totally unfair. We didn’t go to the radio, the radio came <i>to</i> <i>us</i>. But as far as becoming one of the top-tier rock acts of this decade--everyone in the band knew it was just a matter of time. We worked hard and played even harder, so it wasn’t a huge surprise when we climbed to the top of the charts. <br />
<br />
<b>PF:</b> When the radio "came to you," some critics said they also "came all over the ears of the listening public" by making you guys the Most Played Rock Artist of 2002. Tell me, in your opinion, do you think that title was a blessing or a curse? <br />
<br />
<b>Chad:</b> It opened all the doors for us, so it wasn't a curse. It gave us a lot of exposure. People got to see our faces, which made them go out and buy our records. <br />
<br />
<b>PF:</b> Speaking of the people who went out and bought your first album, let’s talk about <i><b>Never Again</b></i>, the first track on the album. <br />
<br />
<b>Chad:</b> This is one of our heaviest songs to date. We start with these crunching power chords and then I rip in through the chorus with this howl that just sets your ears on fire. <br />
<br />
<b>PF:</b> That's a stunningly accurate description. Did you actively try for a harder sound or did it just kind of happen like that?<br />
<br />
<b>Chad:</b> We never try to be hard, it just happens. We’re a hard group of guys. <br />
<br />
<b>PF:</b> …right. </span><br />
<br />
<span class="rkr">Ya know, I've heard trying <i>too</i> much can make it <i>more</i> difficult to be hard. But then again, <i>staying</i> hard can be just as difficult sometimes. How long do guys plan on staying hard? Because I've heard some say that once the hardness goes away it can be a very long time before it comes back. <br />
<br />
<b>Chad:</b> ...This is making me uncomfortable. Can we talk about something else? <br />
<br />
<b>PF:</b> Next on the album is the uber-mega-super-smash hit, <i><b>How You Remind Me</b>.</i> Was the intention there to create a radio-ready single? <br />
<br />
<b>Chad:</b> People ask us that a lot, but I always have the same response: if we knew beforehand how huge that song was going to be, we would have made an entire album full of songs like it. <br />
<br />
<b>PF: </b>Mm. And...you...you didn't...do that.<br />
<br />
<b>Chad:</b> Every song on <i>Silver Side Up</i> represents a unique side of Nickelback. If we want to play fast, we do it. If we want to scream loud, we do it. And if we want to do both at the same time, all we have to do is check with the label to see if that’s all right, and then we do it. And we do it our way. <br />
<br />
<b>PF:</b> How did your label, Roadrunner, feel about this next song, <i><b>Woke Up This Morning</b></i>? You drop a few curse words in that one. Did they ever put up a fight?<br />
<br />
<b>Chad:</b> No way man, this album was <i>raw</i> Nickelback, and the label got that. </span><br />
<br />
<span class="rkr"><b>PF:</b> Can you speak a little more about the "raw" sound? What does that mean to you?</span><br />
<br />
<span class="rkr"><b>Chad: </b>It's just unrefined, razor-edged rock and roll! You know? Like shards of glass in your whiskey! Fuzzy, heavy, distorted rock with a small bit of tweaking once it came time to mix the album. Then a little bit of layering with the guitars, some spicing up on the drum track, a little overdubbing on the vocals. And of course, we eventually had to teach my brother how to play bass guitar so we could add that in when it was all said and done. </span><br />
<br />
<span class="rkr">Ha! That last part was a joke.<br />
<br />
<b>PF: </b>The <i>whole album </i>was...</span><br />
<br />
<span class="rkr">[Clearing throat] Your second hit single, <i><b>Too Bad</b><b></b></i> gets my vote for the least awful...<i>best </i>song off the album. I uh...I really almost love that chorus. It screams "we have an aggressive male vocalist and know about rhythmic syncopation!" </span><br />
<span class="rkr"> <br />
<b>Chad:</b> I get the feeling you're mocking me. </span><br />
<br />
<b>PF:</b> I wouldn't dream of it.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTUY2AZcl7K-CJ0qdHwh29AHl2U4sJUdRhOPdW_LGtbBoon-oEUSfS8o5NORNU0DFtLoZPIaUnnIK3EmlgKtjJBJ7c4dMf2t0-zfq8kTPe9oJ39zVElrA-Qh4ZMcpH00szC9Y3nExUclTQ/s1600/Chad_kroeger.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTUY2AZcl7K-CJ0qdHwh29AHl2U4sJUdRhOPdW_LGtbBoon-oEUSfS8o5NORNU0DFtLoZPIaUnnIK3EmlgKtjJBJ7c4dMf2t0-zfq8kTPe9oJ39zVElrA-Qh4ZMcpH00szC9Y3nExUclTQ/s320/Chad_kroeger.jpg" width="288" /></a></div><br />
...I heard you asked Eddie Vedder to come in and do a few guest spots on the album. How did that work out?<br />
<br />
<span class="rkr"> <b>Chad: </b></span><span id="ctl00_ctl00_Content_Content_rptCourses_ctl00_rptItems_ctl00_lblItemTxtISBN">That never happened. What...what are you talking about, man?</span><br />
<br />
<span id="ctl00_ctl00_Content_Content_rptCourses_ctl00_rptItems_ctl00_lblItemTxtISBN"><b>PF: </b>No, I just heard he turned you down and that's why you chose to impersonate him throughout the album, just to get his goat a little. </span><br />
<br />
<span id="ctl00_ctl00_Content_Content_rptCourses_ctl00_rptItems_ctl00_lblItemTxtISBN"><b>Chad:</b> All right, this is bullshit. I'm done.</span><br />
<span id="ctl00_ctl00_Content_Content_rptCourses_ctl00_rptItems_ctl00_lblItemTxtISBN"> </span><span id="ctl00_ctl00_Content_Content_rptCourses_ctl00_rptItems_ctl00_lblItemTxtISBN"></span><span class="rkr"><br />
[Stands up and marches out of the room.] <br />
<br />
<b>PF:</b> Didn't see that coming. Who knew the lead singer of Nickelback would leave when he realized no one wanted to listen to him? </span><br />
<br />
<span class="rkr">[Long pause] Hey, does anybody know the lead singer from Fuel’s phone number? I've got a few questions for him...<br />
</span>Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1414778548727600548.post-48117899327177263382011-01-11T22:45:00.003-06:002011-01-15T15:01:45.546-06:00Blockbuster Says 'Fuck It,' Charges $500 Per RentalExecutives at Blockbuster Video, once the nation's largest distributor of the <a href="http://www.blockbuster.com/browse/catalog/movieDetails/20214">Leprechaun movie franchise</a>, announced Tuesday their plan to finally run themselves out of business once and for all by increasing the cost of movie and video game rentals to $500 per night. <br />
<br />
James W. Keyes, Chairman and CEO of Blockbuster Inc., said the company has been considering drastic measures since it filed for bankruptcy in September of 2010.<br />
<br />
"We understand that we're no longer relevant as a business," said Keyes at Tuesday's conference. "And we have no delusions about digging ourselves out of the hole we're in. But if we're going down, we're going down with our middle finger in the air and our genitals exposed." <br />
<br />
The long, slow decline in business, resulting in $900 million worth of debt, could be considered just another casualty of the current recession. But it's worth noting that the company's biggest losses coincide with the rising popularity of Netflix and Redbox. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoPkqaXLbjXnRmBqpHPYw3UEFoY4qT0m-hP63Qx65VItTITqtXXfzluAWaSZglVwM5-IKVFoDelvanQrrFhgH2tl5QnUxLn0FkARxvrlbb_lKccjp_lL3lWn8VWJBS8a7-80WDH9LayYU4/s1600/BlockbusterMoncton.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgoPkqaXLbjXnRmBqpHPYw3UEFoY4qT0m-hP63Qx65VItTITqtXXfzluAWaSZglVwM5-IKVFoDelvanQrrFhgH2tl5QnUxLn0FkARxvrlbb_lKccjp_lL3lWn8VWJBS8a7-80WDH9LayYU4/s320/BlockbusterMoncton.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The face of considerable debt.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Blockbuster has made several attempts over the past year to remain competitive, recently adopting their own brand of self-sustaining kiosks--which are blue, and therefore <i>much different--</i>and advertising that they stock stock select titles 28 days before Netflix. <br />
<br />
A representative from Netflix, while literally wiping his ass with a hundred dollar bill, said "there is no concern about Blockbuster's past or future ploys." Meanwhile, when reached for comment, one Redbox kiosk simply spat out a copy of <a href="http://www.blockbuster.com/browse/catalog/movieDetails/436312">Inception</a> in exchange for a freaking dollar!<br />
<br />
Keyes, along with most of his management team, believes competition was the least of their problems and places the blame squarely on internet piracy.<br />
<br />
"We have copies of <a href="http://www.blockbuster.com/browse/catalog/movieDetails/4008">The Bodyguard</a> that haven't moved off the shelves since early 2004," said a sobbing Keyes. "Now, I hate to jump on the anti-file sharing bandwagon like this, but if <a href="http://www.blockbuster.com/catalog/personDetails/13498">Kevin Costner</a> and the incomparable <a href="http://www.blockbuster.com/catalog/personDetails/29555">Whitney Houston</a> can't move product, then what excuses are left?" <br />
<br />
Before Blockbuster goes the way of Movie Gallery and Hollywood Video, execs are hoping to recoup some of their lost assets with a bold move, upping the cost of nightly rentals by more than 10,000 percent. <br />
<br />
"I know for certain that some people would willingly shell out a few Benjamins to watch <a href="http://www.blockbuster.com/browse/catalog/movieDetails/267504">Matthew McConaughey woo Sarah Jessica Parker</a>," Keyes cackled. "And those people <i>should </i>pay."<br />
<br />
At the beginning of February, Blockbuster will launch their new campaign, creating a tiered pricing system in the process. For example, a 3-day rental of a new release will increase from $4.99 to $1,499, while older titles will cost whatever the store clerk decides to make you pay. In conjunction, Blockbuster kiosks will only be stocked with movies directed by Tyler Perry, which will cost you one portion of your soul per night.<br />
<br />
Keyes added, "Oh, and game nerds, that new Halo game you've been dying to play? Two grand per night, you pirating assholes!"<br />
<br />
The campaign is tentatively titled <b>"Bring Home the Magic For a Stupid Sum of Money, Just Because We <i>Can</i>, You Cheap Motherfuckers." </b><br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFcOlOBmpt3aREJ6CFoiT2TQidGHqy1kmkpBzw_G9yAiVRT0q-L7K5Wezi3xUU9u6IoSX3w6g0LQwpDGyC_w6uR74FaRciPLuQDyayDBwfLi8cUxV4Iwij3hEqVqInZrYCVqxEdlA5DTWe/s1600/blockbusterlatefees.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFcOlOBmpt3aREJ6CFoiT2TQidGHqy1kmkpBzw_G9yAiVRT0q-L7K5Wezi3xUU9u6IoSX3w6g0LQwpDGyC_w6uR74FaRciPLuQDyayDBwfLi8cUxV4Iwij3hEqVqInZrYCVqxEdlA5DTWe/s320/blockbusterlatefees.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">They still won't charge any late fees, though. So there's that.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>David Cook, founder of Blockbuster, says he saw the "Block-pocalypse" coming for years, but chalks it up to personnel issues. "Since day one, we've painstakingly sought out the snobbiest, most socially inept employees we could find," said Cook. "It just caught up with us."<br />
<br />
He added, "Also, we don't offer any free movies to watch online. So that's pretty shitty."<br />
<br />
Outside a Blockbuster store in Pomroy, Ohio, frequent customer Marty Dellaford explained he would probably continue to rent from the chain even after the new pricing system takes effect.<br />
<br />
"I dunno," said Dellaford. "I don't have a computer and those Redbox machines always have lines."Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1414778548727600548.post-57331491794000764962010-12-16T23:38:00.000-06:002010-12-16T23:38:56.718-06:00Ozzy Osbourne Yells Something From the Bathroom.Hey! Mmzzz it, fuckin, no p-p-p-p rrgghh aaay! <br />
<br />
Th-th-thez no dmmm, I mean I kahnt eyyven woy, for fuck...I n-need ssssum fucking sssstuff man! Jesus. <br />
<br />
Et's like dunn jus leyve the fucking r-r-rollll uff! Fuck.<br />
<br />
Wutamisuppozzadowitnodam...fucking t-tee pee, man!<br />
<br />
Wwwerztheffff, aahm teychin a shit and thez no tee pee! Jesus.<br />
<br />
SHARON!Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1414778548727600548.post-41708754594469002302010-11-26T13:35:00.002-06:002010-12-11T13:52:46.871-06:00Steve Urkel: A Retrospective.<span style="color: black;">It should have been a true “revenge of the nerds” success story. Instead, it played out like a slippery slope oiled with comedic atrophy and worn-out catchphrases, causing a major viewer revolt. Couch potatoes turned into snobby French Fries, demanding something better. (And probably saltier.) The potatoes had spoken: Steven Quincy Urkel was out.</span> <br />
<div style="text-align: left;"><blockquote><div style="color: #666666;"><b style="color: #cc0000; font-family: Georgia,"Times New Roman",serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">TGIF: Thank God It’s <span style="font-size: small;">the </span><span style="font-size: small;">goddamn</span> Finale!</span></b><span style="color: black;"> </span></div></blockquote></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-size: large;"><b><span style="color: black;"> </span></b></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black;">On July 17<sup>th</sup>, 1998, after ten years as America’s go-to nerd-in-suspenders, Urkel was launched into space for the series finale (…logically), and after a testy few TV minutes, he returns to the Winslow home, safe and sound. Sadly, he never returned into the homes of </span><span style="color: black;">America</span><span style="color: black;">.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black;">Steve Urkel remains one of the most infamously annoying people to occupy the airwaves, sporting suspenders made of woman-repellant and the voice of kitten rape. He was a blundering genius and serial stalker who incessantly asked people that he’d just pissed off if he did indeed just piss them off. (The answer is always yes. Forever, yes Steve, you <i>did</i> do that.) And for nine seasons, </span><span style="color: black;">America</span><span style="color: black;"> tolerated him. Hell, some even accepted the 100 pounds of squinting sexual repression with open arms.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black;"></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span id="goog_1058344923"></span><span id="goog_1058344924"></span><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/153/394601846_e3d138ada8.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://farm1.static.flickr.com/153/394601846_e3d138ada8.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">And some wore blackface to...ya know...pay tribute. </span></div><span style="font-size: x-small;">...to pop culture-obsessed vagina.</span></td></tr>
</tbody></table></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
<span style="color: black;">Strangely though, for all of the 90s nerd archetypes that found their bespectacled selves on sitcoms, Steve Urkel is the only one who thrived as a suave, pants-dropping playboy when not in the immediate presence of his costars. When the Winslows were away, Urkel would play. He’d play <i>hard</i>.<br />
<br />
Let’s face it; Screech outside of Bayside High is probably the exact same guy as Screech <i>inside </i>Bayside High, just with a lot more baby lotion and hand-to-dong contact. </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black;">But Urkel? </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black;">At some point between oiling his six-pack and disrobing the ladies at the bar using only lyrics from a Boys 2 Men ballad, Urkel crossed the threshold into nerd-dom, inflicting ulcers on the world from 6 to 7 pm on Friday nights. He transitioned from shades to geek goggles, cranked the pitch up on his vocal chords, and presumably gave himself a very large, very permanent butt probe. (How the hell else did he walk like that all the goddamn time, people?)</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black;"><br />
And, to some extent, he made it work. For one hour every week, Steve Urkel was routinely welcomed into millions of homes—even with the very real possibility he’d break all of our expensive glassware.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4006/4688746803_00165f0085_z.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="341" src="http://farm5.static.flickr.com/4006/4688746803_00165f0085_z.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">That fucking table's going to snap any second. Just you wait...</td></tr>
</tbody></table></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
<span style="color: black;">To look at Steve Urkel’s track record in the post-<i>Family Matters</i> world is to look deep into the soul of a classically poor decision. It’s the moral of why a handsome man should never, circumstances be damned, hike his white jeans up to his shit-eating grin and talk like the puree option on a blender. During <i>Family Matters'</i> fragile final years, Steve Urkel was a lost dog, sniffing out anything vaguely familiar to take a crap on. Bewildered audiences found themselves staring at a nerdy apparition, the Ghost of Sitcoms Past. Urkel was on <i>Full House</i>. Urkel was on <i>Step by Step</i>. Urkel was on <i>Meego</i> (which was about a 9000-year-old alien...or something).</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black;"><br />
The fall of Urkle-Mania is not surprising. In fact, when looking back on those nine years, one begins to wonder how he lasted so long without being shot by his neighbor, who carried a gun as part of his job and had the temperament of a colicky baby.</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: black;">Still, the fact that the handsome Steve Urkel never got the chance to unleash himself on the world the way his ball-squeezed, dork montage of a counterpart did is just wrong. The Steve Urkel whose gaze could unhook bras. The Steve Urkel who was sponsored by Plan B contraception. The Steve Urkel who…kind of looked a lot like that guy Stefan Urquelle, now that I think about it…</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2717/4513416571_b32fc6d7ee.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2717/4513416571_b32fc6d7ee.jpg" width="266" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Like seeing Clark Kent without his glasses...and a dashing goatee.</td></tr>
</tbody></table></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
<span style="color: black;">The fact that <i>he</i> never got proper face time with </span><span style="color: black;">America</span><span style="color: black;"> is an outright tragedy. An irresistibly hunky tragedy.</span></div>Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1414778548727600548.post-26780606142606883662010-11-22T17:53:00.004-06:002010-11-23T17:39:14.516-06:00Jean-Claude Van Damme: The Quest to Dress Like a Male Prostitute not such a Hard Target for a Timecop. Could Have a Double Impact? Bloodsport!!!Punch. Kick. Double punch. Jump, spin, kick. Splits. Pose.<br />
<br />
Such is the life of "the Muscles From Brussels." This tedium is surpassed only by the constant flex of his biceps and straight-to-DVD work ethic. Jean-Claude Van Damme is a man of pattern: A + B + C = Damme. And for nearly 20 years, it worked like a charm.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGkrl54mURFDDtoYZU9zjGSSjqvE03d5-ESor7ZS1N_gkrCnG9Txy_ZVkL2G9DewbLS10QxXEtNmy9-5MXf5X9A1O8GlY_k-olHVjHhLdG6b7aO3HLvOuLh3SQuJvZL6dTcUbbikpTpdhq/s1600/flexstrip.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="155" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGkrl54mURFDDtoYZU9zjGSSjqvE03d5-ESor7ZS1N_gkrCnG9Txy_ZVkL2G9DewbLS10QxXEtNmy9-5MXf5X9A1O8GlY_k-olHVjHhLdG6b7aO3HLvOuLh3SQuJvZL6dTcUbbikpTpdhq/s400/flexstrip.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Type "van damme flex" into Google. Then watch your computer explode.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>In the 80s and early 90s, Jean-Claude Van Damme was to action movies what cranberries are to Thanksgiving: colorful, easy to digest, and on your plate <i>every single year, </i>regardless of if you wanted him there. But he was harmless and handsome, so it could easily be brushed aside.<br />
<br />
You were never going to leave a Van Damme movie saying, "<i>boy, I did not see that twist ending coming</i>," or "<i>I need to re-evaluate my outlook on life</i>." What you more than likely said is something like "<i>Jesus, did that guy dress himself out of Elton John's '</i><i>DONATE TO GOODWILL' pile?</i>"<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQfK-dhFIGLRlbqKAKnm2KR9bJ3BsOkYZ5AhmC5Xp5h4oX8d5Sb9D-81kPZZJdjoTk0ObO8kIxRvpjV6LR38elA4IG6CsBuxkWXuBWxvPCufxEkqfbAx7cjJFTHzVaxHC6VtgqcTGc9ksY/s1600/vandamme_vandammeru.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="216" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQfK-dhFIGLRlbqKAKnm2KR9bJ3BsOkYZ5AhmC5Xp5h4oX8d5Sb9D-81kPZZJdjoTk0ObO8kIxRvpjV6LR38elA4IG6CsBuxkWXuBWxvPCufxEkqfbAx7cjJFTHzVaxHC6VtgqcTGc9ksY/s320/vandamme_vandammeru.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Liberace would have told him to tone it down.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Pick any one of Van Damme's movie titles from a hat. In that movie you will be guaranteed to see Van Damme do two things: wear a fluorescent tank top and split-punch a bad guy in the dick. <b>There is no movie featuring Jean-Claude Van Damme where this does not happen! </b>In some rare cases, they may even happen at the same time.<br />
<br />
I understand that this era was a confusing time for male fashion, but frequent viewings of Death Warrant, Kickboxer, and Double Impact have made me think Van Damme was actively vying for the title of Fruitiest Wardrobe in a Movie About Avenging Someone's Untimely Death.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-THVjhfSEwxsYjescSjZNuWLrKOIfRwuXe0oRUd74gqkcbZKemexAr_9w0ZA8Axj1xZ5Qxr8bTFOmo53MKcUsRkUC-BTDwdWsPRA6jy58UeapbgxnR17WSSefSx7P4Ej6Cwf-9MTLeEvk/s1600/vandamme_ru3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="216" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-THVjhfSEwxsYjescSjZNuWLrKOIfRwuXe0oRUd74gqkcbZKemexAr_9w0ZA8Axj1xZ5Qxr8bTFOmo53MKcUsRkUC-BTDwdWsPRA6jy58UeapbgxnR17WSSefSx7P4Ej6Cwf-9MTLeEvk/s320/vandamme_ru3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Like you wouldn't vote for him...</td></tr>
</tbody></table>The only real question is <i>why? </i>Why wear the rejected items from a Kylie Minogue video when you're about to throat-kick someone?<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghGsrt0rggs3Rf8INqSHjrA9VlKZJXbOEYunIQPYRqLe6uFLSzOla_eGjhQ24Ku1W38Gm1qQJWHY5DFB2ptq9xFVjUcB_4vDjZGa9-yuEewIPxe7lnCyP9_myyiQfsPySBSB9hFnp8Ma_m/s1600/vandamme_dvdactive.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghGsrt0rggs3Rf8INqSHjrA9VlKZJXbOEYunIQPYRqLe6uFLSzOla_eGjhQ24Ku1W38Gm1qQJWHY5DFB2ptq9xFVjUcB_4vDjZGa9-yuEewIPxe7lnCyP9_myyiQfsPySBSB9hFnp8Ma_m/s320/vandamme_dvdactive.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i><span style="font-size: x-small;">Hold up. I was told this was an audition for that Right Said Fred video...</span></i></td></tr>
</tbody></table>Budgetary restraints? Did you lose a bet to Dolph Lundgren? <i>What</i>, man???<br />
<br />
In the end, you could dismiss it by saying that in the beginning, the rookie actor wasn't enough of a big shot to make decisions about his wardrobe. Surely the director/producer/assistant to craft services told him to shut his mouth and put the leg warmers on. But then, how do you explain this?...<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxF-zkbtgFbGKO0uF73yT65rvVPHqfHom24-QolRqFh8drJGvtb19vjq-pexwlDfVGFYqoQK-b4u4aulVcq6nqTfSmYIMsMycuThiQ1SnkigrM0-oRzuBuDsfvSIt5b84phuyqwR1tL4V-/s1600/vandamme_martialnews.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjxF-zkbtgFbGKO0uF73yT65rvVPHqfHom24-QolRqFh8drJGvtb19vjq-pexwlDfVGFYqoQK-b4u4aulVcq6nqTfSmYIMsMycuThiQ1SnkigrM0-oRzuBuDsfvSIt5b84phuyqwR1tL4V-/s320/vandamme_martialnews.jpg" width="238" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Hold up. I was told this was the Miami Vice reunion...</i></span></td></tr>
</tbody></table><div style="text-align: left;">Jean-Claude Van Damme: action star, ball-puncher, flagrant misuser of pastel colors.</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">**Thanks to Entertainment Weekly, Martial News, DVDactive.com, vandamme.ru, Picsicio, Punch Drunk Critics, and Muscle Weights for the photos.</span></div>Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1414778548727600548.post-50674158810170997132010-11-11T22:10:00.005-06:002010-11-11T22:44:50.432-06:00An Open Letter to Troy Duffy, Director of Boondock Saints 2.Look. Before I start, we get it. You like to see gunfire in slow-motion. And you love bloody squibs popping from the chests of your racially insensitive bad buys. And you obviously have a fixation with making people say and do manly things in very manly ways using a lot of expletives to prove how large their dicks are. Got it, thanks.<br />
<br />
But the thing is: you already <i>did </i>that. Remember, it was called The Boondock Saints, and it was pretty terrific. Did you really need to go and make a second one?<br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I’ll answer that for you.<br />
<br />
<b><span style="font-size: x-large;">No. </span></b><br />
<br />
No, you definitely did <i>not.</i> Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day acts as nothing more than a shout-out to the fact that you made a movie that some people liked ten years ago. You took the original, shoved in some more over exaggerated action sequences, turned the main characters into Irish versions of Inspector Gadget (minus the cool technology), brought back the supporting cast to read the same lines they read before, and replaced all of the dead cast with new dead weight. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">There were no characters in your movie. There were only glimpses of people who would die, kill, or eventually call someone else a queer.</div><br />
In Sunshine Cleaning, Clifton Collins Jr. played his character Winston, a handicapped sterile products salesman, with great subtlety and charm. I’m curious then, when Collins showed up on set for All Saints Day, did you make him re-watch that performance all day in a tiny room with the volume cranked up and the Spanish subtitles on? And then make him sit through twelve hours of Speedy Gonzalez cartoons? <br />
<div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">And holy H.E. Double Hockeysticks, you replace Willem Dafoe’s Agent Smecker with that ridiculous collection of tit-wearing Southern witticisms? (Also, she was the worst part of the show Dexter. It’s like her job in show business is to take potentially wonderful things and ooze a deadly case of the terribles all over them.) </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">After watching two once-commendable actors play grab-ass and masturbate each other (mentally) on camera for two hours, I can see why Dafoe would want as little to do with this as possible. And yet, you somehow got him to show up for two minutes at the very end—for the purpose of…fuck, I dunno, something about faking his death in order to facilitate another horrible sequel? It’s at this point I’m forced at ask: do you have nude photos of Willem Dafoe banging an orangutan while force-feeding meth to a child laborer? I honestly don’t know how else he agreed to show up on set.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwQZ2CVKXwQ6K3mz3O-B3m7_Ow-t9McZb4mvRwqK0rndr1g6gtOYCvzIgoE_DV1wesY-g9XhS1iJhTcZBYWYT-XdT-kh9dFa-Hs1pM4GoS-rHdQnjDrSIPL8rr-p32kLiubNIUmAzrPytp/s1600/WillemDafoe09TIFF.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwQZ2CVKXwQ6K3mz3O-B3m7_Ow-t9McZb4mvRwqK0rndr1g6gtOYCvzIgoE_DV1wesY-g9XhS1iJhTcZBYWYT-XdT-kh9dFa-Hs1pM4GoS-rHdQnjDrSIPL8rr-p32kLiubNIUmAzrPytp/s320/WillemDafoe09TIFF.jpg" width="192" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">He can't even look you in the eyes...</span></div></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I know, maybe he was so engulfed by the script that he was desperate to be included in the plot in any way possible? I mean, what’s not to love about this plot?</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b>These things are not to love about the plot: </b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.25in;">1)<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>The son of the mob boss who was killed by the boys in the last film is Judd Nelson...? (I’m not asking if that’s really Judd Nelson, I’m asking if it really <i>had to be Judd Nelson?</i>) He suddenly gets the urge to go after his father's killers. After 8 years. It took him 8 years to figure out he didn’t like that two dudes killed his dad? That’s just a poor family bond.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.25in;">2)<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>Meanwhile, the boys have spent the last 8 years growing beards and playing hide the pickle with each other—though the last part is purely (accurate) speculation—in Ireland until they get news that someone killed a priest they used to know...or something. Annnnnd cue romantic comedy montage of trying on fancy dresses in a mirror while Hall & Oates plays in the background. Or something equally unnecessary and stupid.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin-left: 0.5in; text-indent: -0.25in;">3)<span style="font: 7pt "Times New Roman";"> </span>And that final conversation between Henry Fonda and Billy Connolly? You must have shot so many loads over that scene that both actors are now pregnant with scripts for Boondock Saints sequels. I’m sure you were aiming for an Oscar here but you got a fucking Elmo, guys. Sorry.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I’ve heard you say that you wanted to do another Boondocks movie “for the fans.” You wanted to “repay the fans putting clothes on [your] back for the last ten years.” But couldn’t it be that you wanted to do a sequel because you haven’t had a gig in ten years and <i>need </i>more clothes on your back? Well, hopefully the box office from this pays for some new threads from Farm & Fleet. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">This wasn’t for the fans, Troy. This was two hours of homage to the first movie. A re-cut, regurgitated mess full of annoying new characters and bad accents. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Hopefully it’ll be longer than 10 years until you ruin your franchise even more.</div>Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1414778548727600548.post-60962111151892476702010-11-11T15:59:00.001-06:002011-01-28T17:06:32.977-06:00Essentially Condensed Reviews: Nirvana - NevermindToday I'm reviewing Nirvana's seminal grunge album, <i>Nevermind</i>, which spawned mega-hits "Come As You Are" and "Smells Like Teen Spirit."<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgP8MtrIj13lzZJJFKxqftD9qdKAWrCXe8JvFOYMzk85HKzuxZlbrTN0cmqK-0T0ozKzWxa3ZBWzrjTPBuHcrbOJ4nIOHvY1iS1U0LlRbaNJNuK9qvuWSxod0LRuQVAo9e5rG3s1-4V1npY/s1600/nevermind.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="178" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgP8MtrIj13lzZJJFKxqftD9qdKAWrCXe8JvFOYMzk85HKzuxZlbrTN0cmqK-0T0ozKzWxa3ZBWzrjTPBuHcrbOJ4nIOHvY1iS1U0LlRbaNJNuK9qvuWSxod0LRuQVAo9e5rG3s1-4V1npY/s200/nevermind.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><br />
It's pretty good. You should go download it or something.<br />
<br />
<br />
Next week I'll review Michael Jackson's <i>Thriller</i>.Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1414778548727600548.post-73560653425448295832010-10-18T23:22:00.005-05:002010-10-19T16:49:04.798-05:00Shaky Jake: Facebook Status EditorNo, no, no. You're still not getting it. The whole idea of a Facebook status update is to grab all your friends' attention and let them know, without a doubt, that you're not f'ing around here!<br />
<br />
Let's go over it again. When Jenny reads that you <b>"wish some people would just get over themselves,"</b> she's not going to know you're talking about her. Because you're not being specific enough! When she told you how excited she was about those new bedazzled headphones for her iPod, she probably didn't even catch your inconspicuous eye roll--mostly because that's what the word "inconspicuous" means. So do you really think your passive aggressive update is going to catch her attention? If anything, I suspect Jenny's going to "like" that update.<br />
<br />
Go for the jugular! Try something like, <b>"I wish some people wouldn't bedazzle every goddamn thing they own and stop cheating on RICKY WITMER with that douche from her Intro to State Gov class!"</b> And to make sure it doesn't go unnoticed in the news feed, comment on your own update an hour later with the douche-in-question's address and phone number if you have the information handy. Now you're being specific <i>and </i>helpful!<br />
<br />
And what about this update from Friday? You're <b>"gearing up"</b> for the weekend?<br />
<blockquote><i><span style="font-size: x-large;">Mm. Mm hmm.</span></i></blockquote>Well...<i>who</i> <i>isn't</i>? Not that I'm sure everyone won't be super impressed by your willingness to drink on a Friday--clearly you're a party animal--but this might be an undersell. Instead, let everyone know of your dedication and, again, be specific. Maybe something along the lines of <b>"ready for tonight, I think: flares, wire cutters, shot of adrenaline, and a change of pants. Let's go bar-hopping!"</b> Extra points if you post it on a Tuesday.<br />
<br />
Hey! Are you even paying attention? Look, I'm trying to help--did you just post another status? What's it say?<br />
<br />
Uggh. Inspirational song lyrics? ...Really? Okay, I understand that Josh Groban really "speaks to you" but nobody should have to wade through twenty lines of sappy, faux-motivational lyrics. No matter how badly you need to express your wish to <b>"stand on mountains"</b> and <b>"walk on stormy seas."</b> If you're going to go the lyric route--or post movie quotes--make it more than sappy and/or inspirational. Make it informative! Get everything out in the open using Tiny Tim's <b>"She Left Me With the Herpes."</b> Or make it instructional! Let Poison express exactly how you want that special someone to <a href="http://www.box.net/shared/qaicniip5f">talk dirty to you</a>. (Even though they still haven't confirmed your request to be in a relationship.)<br />
<br />
Whatever you do, be specific, be confident, and most importantly, don't post an update every hour. Or I'll come back for another lesson. And I'll bring some rope, a ball gag, several swords, and a video camera. And my status will read: <b>"Shaky Jake is gearing up for the weekend!"</b>Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1414778548727600548.post-38697000457735899532010-09-30T03:02:00.021-05:002010-10-01T15:48:08.055-05:00Let's Hear It For the Boys...Hearing It For the GirlsIn an age when music is more abundant--and thus, more divisive--than ever, a person can listen to truly anything that fits their personalities. The choices are endless. And yet, if you are the proud owner of a vagina, you may still feel underrepresented in the music world. Especially if you're not all that fond of current pop music. (Which you are, so stop lying on all of those surveys.)<br />
<br />
There's not that many french-tipped fingernails holding the microphone nowadays. Who can you count on to tell the world how <i>you feel?</i> Not everyone can read your diary! And Taylor Swift is only allowed to sing about one topic for the remainder of the century. (Love, and how it's good and/or bad.) You're just not being heard out there! <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir12SX3x3b-Gq9Zl-AarB1lHAg2K9RhyKZHQ_G7KWqgWEb7sUls8Ysu_SbkGgFZKI8t4JLWMRWykwHRZYL9F-wJMIxgXFpnAd5TU7IPGTWBxWZ2wPQCFUrYIwgsPWN8mKC7n3G_uvedcYP/s1600/taylor-swift.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir12SX3x3b-Gq9Zl-AarB1lHAg2K9RhyKZHQ_G7KWqgWEb7sUls8Ysu_SbkGgFZKI8t4JLWMRWykwHRZYL9F-wJMIxgXFpnAd5TU7IPGTWBxWZ2wPQCFUrYIwgsPWN8mKC7n3G_uvedcYP/s400/taylor-swift.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div>But ladies, stop bedazzling the ass of your jeans for a second and think of how rough it must be for those on the other side of the gender tracks. You're not being heard because a huge part of the population <i>can't </i>hear you. No, I'm not talking about deaf-mutes. Or those who lost their ears in tragic goggle-related accidents. I'm talking about men.<br />
<br />
Tell me this: when is it acceptable for a straight, heterosexual, masculine, non-cross-dressing, penis-having, labia-less man to listen to a female-fronted rock band? Or any variety of ovary-bearing musician? If you answered anything other than "very rarely," you're very wrong.<br />
<br />
We with the extra appendage, the hanging sack full of guilt and social anxiety, the heavy burden of manliness, we are judged for enjoying things considered <i>too feminine</i>. And what could be more feminine than a <i>female </i>singing songs about <i>feelings</i>?<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, you with the innie in your skinny, a closed door to your closed minds (and equally closed legs), you are the ones judging. <br />
<br />
Men: why must we cross our fingers when we put our iPods on shuffle, praying the next song to come on isn't "Hit Me With Your Best Shot" (even though we're totally ready to deal with anything the world throws at us)? Why shouldn't we just hear what we want to hear, gender issues aside?<br />
<br />
I've picked my brain (and my dong-waving iTunes catalog) to come up with the following list of acceptable chick music. I'm calling it...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhs2USAyFAmiWsjLrmPuj2vesa1WP5-7xOaKtbYliqi9EZafmjTTkeeE2NLJ5ZLx5FWttDVpzLRad1MFSmHxEeH6DtlAgRLDqe5MNm8aVdeM3mn0jn6tOrw-5wxLVeEVf3HfTjZBVecKLgx/s1600/acceptablechicklist.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhs2USAyFAmiWsjLrmPuj2vesa1WP5-7xOaKtbYliqi9EZafmjTTkeeE2NLJ5ZLx5FWttDVpzLRad1MFSmHxEeH6DtlAgRLDqe5MNm8aVdeM3mn0jn6tOrw-5wxLVeEVf3HfTjZBVecKLgx/s1600/acceptablechicklist.jpeg" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"></div>It's now officially cool to listen to the sounds of estrogen when...<br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><b>#1.</b></span><u> When she's manlier than you</u>.</i><b><i> </i> </b><br />
<b><a href="http://www.last.fm/music/Joan+Jett+and+the+Blackhearts">Joan Jett</a></b>. She's the bad ass rocker chick that Juliette Lewis wants to you to think she is. Her raspy, "just smoked a pack of Marlboro Reds before chugging whiskey-coated rocks voice" would be enough to justify having her on your iPod, but she's also a leather-clad hottie.<br />
<br />
<b>GET YOUR MAN ON</b> to <a href="http://www.box.net/shared/8gprdo9z9l">Cherry Bomb</a>. <br />
Sisters In Arms: <a href="http://www.last.fm/music/Pat+Benatar">Pat Benatar</a>, <a href="http://www.last.fm/music/Patti+Smith">Patti Smith</a>.<br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><b>#2. </b></span><u>When she's got (legitimate) attitude</u>.</i><b> </b><br />
<b><a href="http://www.last.fm/music/No+Doubt">Gwen Steffani <i>with</i> No Doubt</a></b>. There hasn't been a boobed-punker with this much attitude since Patti Smith. Even the lighter songs ("Don't Speak," "Simple Kind of Life,") will make you remember you have a heart buried somewhere around your weiner. Society still won't condone you singing karaoke to "Just a Girl" though, regardless of how much you've been practicing your high-kicks.<br />
<br />
<b>GET YOUR MAN ON</b> to <a href="http://www.box.net/shared/e1gpaazurd">Spiderwebs</a>.<br />
Sisters In Arms: <a href="http://www.last.fm/music/P%21nk">P!nk</a>, <a href="http://www.last.fm/music/The+Donnas">The Donnas</a>.<br />
<br />
<i><span style="font-size: large;"><b>#3. </b></span><u>When she's a bit odd</u>.</i><b><i> </i></b><br />
<b><a href="http://www.last.fm/music/Regina+Spektor">Regina Spektor</a></b>. She caters to all the hipster boners out there. For some reason, guys are allowed to dig the quirky music of weird girls with no excuses necessary. I'm not complaining, of course. I'd love it if Regina's mouth was open 24/7.<br />
...singing...singing music...not...<br />
...She's a very capable musician. Is what I'm saying.<br />
<br />
<b>GET YOUR MAN ON</b> to <a href="http://www.box.net/shared/vddiarfcnu">Folding Chair</a>.<br />
Sisters In Arms: <a href="http://www.last.fm/music/Lily+Allen">Lily Allen</a>, <a href="http://www.last.fm/music/Kate+Miller-Heidke">Kate-Miller-Heidke</a>, <a href="http://www.last.fm/music/Kristeen+Young">Kristeen Young</a>.<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><i><b>#4. </b></i></span><u><i>When she clearly runs the show</i></u><i>.</i><b><i> </i> </b><br />
<b><a href="http://www.last.fm/music/Yeah+Yeah+Yeahs">Yeah Yeah Yeahs</a></b>. Girls who truly LEAD bands are just plain fucking cool. And Karen O definitely knows how to take control.<br />
...with her music. When she...you know...when...singing...<br />
...I'm starting to feel like this article isn't furthering the cause much. It might be doing the exact opposite by this point. Oh man.<br />
<br />
<b>GET YOUR MAN ON</b> to <a href="http://www.box.net/shared/rvvos0s7kl">Dull Life</a>.<br />
Sisters In Arms: <a href="http://www.last.fm/music/Bat+for+Lashes">Bat For Lashes</a>, <a href="http://www.last.fm/music/Flyleaf">Fly Leaf</a>.Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1414778548727600548.post-47660057906157260862010-09-16T02:23:00.000-05:002010-09-16T02:23:30.106-05:00Mel Gibson Hates You, Expects You to Deal With It.Mel Gibson kindly invites you to fuck off. And if you could also stick those kitchen tongs over there up your own ass, he'd really appreciate it. Seriously. Just go to hell already. Don't cry to him about how far he's fallen and ask "what happened to the guy who played Riggs?" If Mad Max wanted to hear about your feelings, he'd read the screenplay he just wrote about your life in which he changed your name and occupation to avoid any legal issues.<br />
<br />
Also: punch yourself in the dick. You deserve it for eyeballing him like that. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiztEUGy4JEbjMjyMeUkRPYJvE_CGSEZCCvds1uCBroJ4p8b0x6_uYBSL5-957-SXb6bFMGa566LaaVdDo1_eLB0nCIZ6iIgewadUwscQ41w0MLA6hF-SWlhXtelsYMLAF8RoDidORvsWhX/s1600/Mel-Gibson1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiztEUGy4JEbjMjyMeUkRPYJvE_CGSEZCCvds1uCBroJ4p8b0x6_uYBSL5-957-SXb6bFMGa566LaaVdDo1_eLB0nCIZ6iIgewadUwscQ41w0MLA6hF-SWlhXtelsYMLAF8RoDidORvsWhX/s320/Mel-Gibson1.jpg" width="316" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">If you don't do it, he will. And he wants those things tenderized.</span></div><br />
To be clear, Mel Gibson doesn't want to <i>kill</i> you. He just wants to severely hurt you. In the worst way possible. Broken bones, deep bruises, an eventual skin graft...these things will all be in your future if Mel Gibson has anything to say about it. <br />
<br />
And ladies, for the love of Christ, please stop asking him why he's not more like the guy from What Women Want. You and he both know the only response to that will be a titty grab and a purse snatching. His life is not a romantic comedy, it's a snuff film. He doesn't buy flowers, he doesn't make speeches, and he doesn't run through the airport to stop you from flying to Paris. (Unless it's to give you an impromptu brain transplant...with a baseball bat.)<br />
<br />
He knows you don't like him, but guess what? He hates your guts, too! He doesn't even know you and he doesn't like you. Deal with it!<br />
<br />
Oh, and if Mel had his way with the Ransom script, the kid would have died at the end. Not the character, the actual 9-year-old actor who played his son would have been drowned, off-screen, once the credits started rolling.<br />
<br />
You don't even want to know what his intentions for Braveheart were...<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: xx-small;">*Image courtesy mediaoutrage.com</span>Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1414778548727600548.post-91162516645173286302010-08-25T01:19:00.002-05:002010-08-25T01:27:25.463-05:00Name That Porn.Hey party people, Justin here. For those who don't know me, I'll explain a bit about myself. I have a two-bedroom loft in West Hollywood, filled with plush lounge chairs, trays of fresh fruit, and copious amounts of items to snort and sniff. And it's all paid for by the two days a week I work at home. I'm the creative director in charge of titular copy-writing for an adult entertainment provider. Basically, I make up the names for your favorite porn movies.<br />
<br />
<b>Six Inches of Kevin's Bacon</b>. That was me. <b>Once Upon a Time In Karen</b>. That was mine too. Debbie Does Dallas was some other guy, but the sequel two decades later, <b>Debbie Does Your Taxes (While You Bang Her) </b>was the one that put me at the top of the porno naming game. <br />
<br />
You think you like your job? Why, 'cause you teach underprivileged kids how to read? BFD, pal. You drive a company Corvette with a license plate that says "DCK MAN" on it? Yeah, me neither. My Vette's license plate says "UR DONG" because "DCK MAN" was already taken. I bet you think it's rewarding to see the look on some half-retarded 10-year-old's face when he learns how to spell the word "moron." Well buddy, you can't imagine the pride I feel knowing that on Halloween night, a man is going to pick up the new Lexxxus Leggs film because the name <b>Ghosts and Gobblin'</b> caught his eye. It makes me feel warm all over.<br />
<br />
The thing people don't understand about my job is that it's equal parts science and art. You look at the genre of the movie first--is it a parody of an existing movie, a big-budget plot pounding, or a simple "guy does girl in back of van" kind of thing?--and then you let your creative juices just drip all over the page. It's exhausting. <br />
<br />
Right now I'm working on a three-movie series with an ex-reality star. I'm tentatively calling it <b>Hogan Knows Bestiality</b>. It's a little more low-brow than the type of thing I usually attach my name to, but a guy's gotta eat, ya know what I mean?<br />
<br />
I love this job. I'll do it until the day I die or until it's no longer spiritually satisfying for me. When I jot down something like <b>Escape From Ass-catraz</b> and don't feel anything tingle inside me, then I'll know it's time to pack up my dirty word thesaurus and get out. Until then, I hope you'll think of me, Justin Syde-Yu, when you browse your local adult video store and take home <b>The Whole Nine Yards (of Dick)</b>.Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1414778548727600548.post-28286298357096843302010-07-06T21:41:00.008-05:002010-07-06T22:45:36.379-05:00Dale Hazel Lives His Favorite Lyrics.<b>:: </b><br />
<b>Dale Hazel is a music lover. He loves how songs tell important stories in a few melodic minutes. Dale believes that every song is a chapter in someone's life story. Dale wants every song to be a part of <i>his </i>life story. That's why every day, Dale attempts to live out one of his favorite songs, for better or for worse...</b><br />
<br />
<br />
Dale's feet are tired and layered with blisters. His muscle mass is all but deteriorated, with the exception of his newly-toned calves. It could be from all the time he spent on his feet over the last few weeks. More specifically, it might be the collateral damage of walking <a href="http://www.box.net/shared/ljoih66mmf">500 miles</a> from Rockford, Illinois to Lincoln, Nebraska, and then another 500 miles to Oklahoma City. This was all in an effort to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at Marcy Hoover's door.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3NY7MCjQFXpO1CPXWjc71lj-VO934-YYWzWSkvQ-kPmsjJNXZJrtcdzSICBRAyED4NiGQ0fqV41mza0aexngpQ48D7MIj3n4JjVVm1cUy4mCwxLH47T-OB9HsW9Jb7DK3eqooA-xYBRIV/s1600/Proclaimers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3NY7MCjQFXpO1CPXWjc71lj-VO934-YYWzWSkvQ-kPmsjJNXZJrtcdzSICBRAyED4NiGQ0fqV41mza0aexngpQ48D7MIj3n4JjVVm1cUy4mCwxLH47T-OB9HsW9Jb7DK3eqooA-xYBRIV/s200/Proclaimers.jpg" width="200" /></a></div><br />
One late night, Dale came across Marcy's online dating profile and was instantly entranced by her gentle features and winning smile. After briefly perusing her personal interests, Dale discovered that he and Marcy shared a passion for mango-flavored drinks and 90's pop music.<br />
<br />
Following his heart in a blind race towards true love, Dale put on a pair of tennis shoes and MapQuested the walking directions to Marcy's home in Oklahoma City. Showing up uninvited and unknown into Marcy's life was a risk, but Dale felt that their matching astrological signs--along with their shared fondness for Tom Hanks movies--had joined their souls in a cosmic, and irreversible, way.<br />
<br />
The trek to reach Marcy lasted nearly three weeks, during which Dale fought off wild animals, slept in abandoned buildings, and broke two of his toes. He also dropped 34 pounds and became dangerously dehydrated, as he took no provisions and had to subsist off scraps of food people threw out of their car windows. But upon waking from his heat-induced mini-coma in a bed at Saint Anthony's Hospital, Dale expressed his joy and sense of accomplishment at seeing Marcy's fantastic smile in person.<br />
<br />
Staring into Marcy's eyes, he said, "When I woke up, well I knew I was gonna be, I was gonna be the man who woke up next to you."<br />
<br />
In actuality, the look on Marcy's face would later be self-described as that of "pure confusion and a little bit of terror." Marcy had taken Dale's "romantic" gesture as a creepy and reckless act of self-endangerment. Had Dale spent more than a few seconds glancing at her dating profile, he would have seen her personality type listed as "cautious and definitely not impulsive."<br />
<br />
Although she took Dale to the hospital and stayed with him until doctors confirmed his stable health, Marcy has since issued a restraining order against him; coincidentally, Dale is no longer allowed within a thousand miles of Marcy.<br />
<br />
"It's dangerous to encourage that type of behavior," said Marcy. "I think I'll be deleting The Proclaimers from my iPod."<br />
<b>:: </b>Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1414778548727600548.post-9876045225030559732010-06-08T01:01:00.002-05:002010-07-06T21:21:18.541-05:00Permanently Down the Rabbit Hole.Hello boys. Girls. For my next presentation I present a gift to you all. A present, you might say. For those us of with the presence of mind and the gift of pleasant understanding, the next part of this immediate life will be quite a treat. Our lives will be wonderful for ages and ages and years. We will all be happy here--you, me, Alice, The Jabberwock, The Cheshire Cat, we will be safe and presentable here in Wonderland. Forever and ever. Call me mad, if you must, so long as you never call me late!<br />
<br />
You know that I know that you pay, with dignity, many dirty green fibers to see me appear larger than I am in reality. I am louder, I am more looming, and I could very well crush all of you in your seats if I was gifted with another dimension--though I wouldn't! And when you look at my huge face it is never the same as it has been before, though you could call it similar. Very similar, indeed. So much so that you think you've seen it somewhere before--which you have because it's always my face, you see.<br />
<br />
But!<br />
<br />
Did you know...? I used to have scissors for digits! Yes, yes, and drank myself drunk on rum on a boat on a film stage! Not so long ago, I sang and murdered and barbered and...where was I?<br />
<br />
My face!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnu_FBxEUHUWAhiMfwgqu535Si4jtMXKdZxTf_e-d1le33z-GHLvagNsKzQ8djv8IinU3eN63TJD-SIj-uLgBNKZhsiUhRe3dNkCuKhwFJGryX2DO49BlZpwjrG7neNt1VIwEsjto65fgw/s1600/johnny-depp-mad-hatter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnu_FBxEUHUWAhiMfwgqu535Si4jtMXKdZxTf_e-d1le33z-GHLvagNsKzQ8djv8IinU3eN63TJD-SIj-uLgBNKZhsiUhRe3dNkCuKhwFJGryX2DO49BlZpwjrG7neNt1VIwEsjto65fgw/s400/johnny-depp-mad-hatter.jpg" width="380" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div>As you see, 'tis tasked with looking wonderful for all time. And <i>in </i>time my wonderfuls, you'll get to see this same face of mine looking like the same face of mine for all time. It's because I'm staying right where I am. Down here. Down the rabbit hole. With Alice, with Tweedledee, Dum, Dormouse and...you, if you'll remain delighted enough to stay. <br />
<br />
Of course, there can't be a sequence without a <i>con</i>sequence (though I've yet to see a <i>pro</i>sequence for proper balance) and this sequence causes a doozy. The downside of staying down here is that I'll never again be a pirate. My ahoys will be reserved for rather unusual maties in all three of Underland's dimensions. And for you, of course, if you'll stay enlightened enough to remain here.<br />
<br />
Think of the possibilities! The tea! My scods, think of the tea! An unending buffet of Earl's Grey and Pearl's Green. We wouldn't need anything else. We would have Tweedledum, Dee, Cheshire, the White Queen and...well, you'll stay, too, won't you? We could all have each other. We could all have each other. We couldn't all hate each other...<br />
<br />
Just drink three potions and we'll stay delightfully heavy here in Underland. The first potion makes you small; so small that you could fit inside, say, a hat. Not my hat, necessarily, but just any old hat, really. The second potion turn you the hue of all the brightest colors. The third potion will keep my face on the reflection of your eyes forever and ever. And when you sleep, I'll sleep inside of your eyelids. And when you wake, I'll look back at you in the mirror. And when you look away, you'll be looking <i>my </i>a-way.<br />
<br />
And we'll never, ever not not hate each other. You'll stay. I'll stay. We'll live in wonder and you'll never have to wonder about pirates ships, or demon haircuts, or chocolate factories, or headless horse riders. You'll just see me, Hatter.<br />
<br />
And you won't be sorry.Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1414778548727600548.post-23311338308452486202010-06-03T22:07:00.013-05:002010-06-08T02:05:17.619-05:00What's In a Band Name?Somewhere among the bongos and steel guitars and Van Halen posters and Iggy Pop records, perhaps beneath the abandoned love letters to Whitney Houston or behind the KISS lunchbox collection, or even in between the Stoli vodka bottle and the empty 12-pack of PBR, sits an identity crisis. It's collecting dust, much like the second Proclaimers cassette mix on the floor. <br />
<br />
Four different walks of life with four favorite bands, four favorite lead singers, and three favorite guitar solos (coincidentally, two share common ground in appreciation for Hendrix's underrated shredding on "<a href="http://www.box.net/shared/6nvvo024bq">Stone Free</a>") have formed a group of their own. They've recorded two songs, mused up enough lyrics to fill a barn with 12-point Times New Roman font, and are nearing their first gig. But when they are called up to the stage to open for the Foreigner cover band--<a href="http://www.box.net/shared/3udek00xp0">Feels Like the First Time</a> Again--how will they be announced to the crowd? As an overly complex, pretentious clan of Thom Yorke devotees? Or maybe they'll come off as simpletons; hillbillies flailing their fingers in hopes to make something resembling music? Or worse yet, with complete silence--only a finger point and "here are...some musicians!"<br />
<br />
They are, as America would say, a horse with no name.<br />
<br />
The most optimistic voice in the group is also the most talkative, which makes sense. He is the lead vocalist, after all. When Allan (who will soon add a third 'L' to his name for extra sex appeal) is alone for too long, his throat starts vibrating the theme songs to his favorite 80s sitcoms out of habit--though he can rarely make it all the way through Growing Pains without tearing up.<br />
<br />
<div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;">"We're in your face! Ya know? Like, we're right there and we're not leaving, is the thing! We don't take "no" for an answer because we didn't ask you a fucking question! We just <i>tell</i> you what we're going to do and then do it!"</span></div><br />
It's a rallying cry that has landed on deaf ears. Hours into the naming debate, defeat burrowed itself into three pairs of eyes. But not Alllan's.<br />
<br />
<div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><span style="font-size: small;">"So we should tell people that with our name!"</span></div><br />
Alllan's iPod is a melodic rainbow. Green Day, Blue Oyster Cult, Pink Floyd, The Black Crowes, Silverchair, Deep Purple, Sister Hazel, The White Stripes...<br />
<br />
And while he loves their music, he's never felt a connection to their names. Unimaginative and vague. There's too much wiggle room in a name like that. The best band names will stand out for their uniqueness and the punch behind them. What's unique about red? Not a goddamn thing.<br />
<br />
<div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">"But we're deep, too, is the other thing. We're a bunch of guys who like to break strings and push shit over, but when it gets down to the core of us as a band, we've got sentimental souls, right? So let's tell 'em right up front that we're some emotional dudes."</div><br />
As much as Alllan dislikes bands named for colors, he hates ones named for numbers even more. Blink-182? What the hell does that even mean? The B-52s have an outstanding body of work but should have spent a little less time dedicating songs to crustaceans and a little more time working out that name. Numbers got a big resurgence with that whole pop-punk trend from the nineties: Sum 41, 311, Eve 6, SR-71, 3rd Eye Blind. He really needs to start listening to that last Eve 6 record a lot more though, because it was surprisingly terrific. <br />
<br />
Maroon 5 fucked themselves from the start, joining the worst of evils into one name. Never had a chance. And that's <i>not </i>going to happen for...for...well, for whatever these guys end up calling themselves.<br />
<br />
<div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">"We're kind of a yin and yang balance, when you think about it. Like, we're hard as bullets but we're soft as crushed velvet..."</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><b>"VELVET BULLETS!"</b></div><br />
Wayne is an idiot. That's why he's a drummer.<br />
<div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">"Velvet Bullets is too close to Velvet Revolver, which was already too close to Guns N Roses."</div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj6v9EEbAlu7WVg_OzDxdZxxYYg53oYH-QUdHJAFloINd8Dd1gNMYDTOoxflzmGm_oW8LMT8apEOJ38yftlQvIXvcAQNyiYf3TI5q0eZWEtSq_W7xW81KgAvLDaaczGIaCSmuvKJ_dvBPc/s1600/Velvet+Bullets.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhj6v9EEbAlu7WVg_OzDxdZxxYYg53oYH-QUdHJAFloINd8Dd1gNMYDTOoxflzmGm_oW8LMT8apEOJ38yftlQvIXvcAQNyiYf3TI5q0eZWEtSq_W7xW81KgAvLDaaczGIaCSmuvKJ_dvBPc/s320/Velvet+Bullets.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
Points for trying, though. It's about time someone else got in on the action. Too bad that someone has to be Wayne, though. Give him a pair of sticks and the guy's a genius. Give him a thought and he's a fucking moron.<br />
<br />
Great band names are special and you know it right when you hear them. The best ones roll off the tongue and stick to your brain. Two words? Three at most, probably. The Beatles. Metallica. Journey. On the other hand, a lot of them tend to sound kind of silly the first few times you hear them. The DJ says, "here's the new rocker, <a href="http://www.box.net/shared/ljoih66mmf">Bullet With Butterfly Wings</a> from the Smashing Pumpkins!" And you think, what did he say? Isn't it July? Halloween is months away, guy. <br />
<br />
<div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">"It's got to be a declaration! Something that tells our fans that--"</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><b>"<i>Fan</i>. Mitch Whitford. He's the only one registered on our PureVolume profile."</b></div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">"Fine. We need something that tells Mitch Whitford that we've got creative juices dripping down our legs and the name is just the start. Because I've got news, guys: no one's coming to a show to see <b>Blank Gray Straw</b>."</div><br />
<b>Blank Gray Straw</b> presents their breakthrough album "Dull Farm." It just peaked at #798 album on the Billboard Hot 1,000.<br />
<br />
Alllan knows that the name isn't really their biggest problem. The real issue here is that there's no sense of direction within the band. There's just too much going on to have any cohesion. What are they about? What do they sound like? To describe the band's sound in one word would be a nearly impossible task. <b><i>"The Ballad of the Toad in My Basement"</i></b> is clearly goth pop/folk rock. But <b><i>"Steel Pants Dance"</i></b> could get lumped in with 70s punk blues metal. And what's <b><i>"Johnny Grossman and the Lumberjack's Extra Molar?"</i></b> Alternative hillbilly funk, maybe? <br />
<br />
<div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">"We're not getting anywhere just sitting here. Let's start throwing stuff against the wall and see what sticks! All right? Now, whatever our name is, it should provoke action!"</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><b>"Developing Face Cancer."</b></div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">"It needs to be more optimistic than that."</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><b>"Racing With the Wind?"</b></div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">"Manlier! It's got to have some balls, guys!"</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><b>"Fucker Heart!"</b></div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">"Maybe a little less vulgar..."</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><b>"Earth Hammers!"</b></div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">"Well, that's...that's not actually that bad. Ooh..."</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><b>"Raising the Living! Practical Drunks! Smite With Breakfast!"</b></div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">"Holy God, when did you get good at this game? Let's keep the magic rolling..."</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><b>"Muffin Box Frenzy!"</b></div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: "Courier New",Courier,monospace;">"Oh, okay. You're done."</div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh78gCnIUVsBQAi2WUMeU_m0g1xDkEwCO0t5EWnXQHMhl_g0QLtPp1q5U9B1cY_W_yXsUEgm0BSrm-uvRn1zztBOfQvMmFvdM_5aPisXhbB6U4A9-kOV8LMxt5eMBXqmY_GNMVGIjC9mzaB/s1600/muffinboxfrenzy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh78gCnIUVsBQAi2WUMeU_m0g1xDkEwCO0t5EWnXQHMhl_g0QLtPp1q5U9B1cY_W_yXsUEgm0BSrm-uvRn1zztBOfQvMmFvdM_5aPisXhbB6U4A9-kOV8LMxt5eMBXqmY_GNMVGIjC9mzaB/s320/muffinboxfrenzy.jpg" /></a></div><br />
Alllan and Boris, the bassist, have always been just a page apart musically. Aside from their aforementioned appreciation of Hendrix's style of guitar solos, they can never quite agree on what is best, but they're never too far apart. For instance, Boris thinks Def Leppard's Pyromania was the greatest record to come out of the hair metal era, while Alllan thinks its Leppard's Hysteria. Same ground, different type of dirt. So if Wayne has CCR's Greatest Hits on loop for too long or if Tommy (the lead guitarist) starts lecturing about the purity of the Styx discography, Alllan and Boris give each other knowing glances and wander off to share headphones full of The Fratellis.<br />
<br />
Names now fly around the room at a mile a minute, which prompts Tommy to suggest <b>Mile a Minute</b> as a possible band name. It's thrown out in jest, really--he's secluded himself from the discussion by making animal shapes out of his shoe laces, so the suggestion is covered in sarcasm (and the smell of sweaty tennis shoes). But it lingers in the air long enough for it to sink into everyone's subconsciousness. And silently, each person--even Tommy--allows themselves to fantasize about the moniker; the first album cover, the cheering crowd demanding an encore, their faces on the cover of Rolling Stone.<br />
<br />
And it's not perfect, but it's them. What <i>is</i> perfect anyways? Perfect is boring, especially perfect music. No, <b>Mile a Minute</b> is something better than perfect--it's sudden and constant. It reflects their souls. It celebrates their aggression, surely, as well as the way their thoughts and emotions run. For them, it's balance.<br />
<br />
Most importantly, though, it's something they can all agree on. A phrase to unite four separate beings.<br />
<br />
And a fucking killer logo to put on t-shirts.Shaky Jakehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08650018102735905907noreply@blogger.com0