Jean-Claude Van Damme: The Quest to Dress Like a Male Prostitute not such a Hard Target for a Timecop. Could Have a Double Impact? Bloodsport!!!

Punch. Kick. Double punch. Jump, spin, kick. Splits. Pose.

Such is the life of "the Muscles From Brussels." This tedium is surpassed only by the constant flex of his biceps and straight-to-DVD work ethic. Jean-Claude Van Damme is a man of pattern: A + B + C = Damme. And for nearly 20 years, it worked like a charm.

Type "van damme flex" into Google. Then watch your computer explode.

In the 80s and early 90s, Jean-Claude Van Damme was to action movies what cranberries are to Thanksgiving: colorful, easy to digest, and on your plate every single year, regardless of if you wanted him there. But he was harmless and handsome, so it could easily be brushed aside.

You were never going to leave a Van Damme movie saying, "boy, I did not see that twist ending coming," or "I need to re-evaluate my outlook on life." What you more than likely said is something like "Jesus, did that guy dress himself out of Elton John's 'DONATE TO GOODWILL' pile?"

Liberace would have told him to tone it down.

Pick any one of Van Damme's movie titles from a hat. In that movie you will be guaranteed to see Van Damme do two things: wear a fluorescent tank top and split-punch a bad guy in the dick. There is no movie featuring Jean-Claude Van Damme where this does not happen! In some rare cases, they may even happen at the same time.

I understand that this era was a confusing time for male fashion, but frequent viewings of Death Warrant, Kickboxer, and Double Impact have made me think Van Damme was actively vying for the title of Fruitiest Wardrobe in a Movie About Avenging Someone's Untimely Death.

Like you wouldn't vote for him...

The only real question is why? Why wear the rejected items from a Kylie Minogue video when you're about to throat-kick someone?

Hold up. I was told this was an audition for that Right Said Fred video...

Budgetary restraints? Did you lose a bet to Dolph Lundgren? What, man???

In the end, you could dismiss it by saying that in the beginning, the rookie actor wasn't enough of a big shot to make decisions about his wardrobe. Surely the director/producer/assistant to craft services told him to shut his mouth and put the leg warmers on. But then, how do you explain this?...

Hold up. I was told this was the Miami Vice reunion...

Jean-Claude Van Damme: action star, ball-puncher, flagrant misuser of pastel colors.

**Thanks to Entertainment Weekly, Martial News, DVDactive.com, vandamme.ru, Picsicio, Punch Drunk Critics, and Muscle Weights for the photos.