March 19, 2012

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March 12, 2012

March 8, 2012

Johnny Depp and Tim Burton Collaborate on Another "Character-y" Film

It's been announced that the highly-successful duo of director Tim Burton and hunky Adonis/character actor Johnny Depp will be getting to work on another film collaboration.

Though no plot currently exists, Burton promises his fans that the film will contain a lot of character-driven moments, fueled by Depp's unusual method acting.

Very subtle moments, no doubt.

"In the film, I play a man called Messiah Jones," Depp told reporters at the premier of yet another animated movie. "Well, I use the term 'man' loosely. For now, let's just say I play something called Messiah Jones."

Burton has described the character in the following ways: quirky, odd, peculiar, an outcast, and handsomely disheveled.

"He'll most likely wear a cooky outfit," says Burton. "Something with ostrich feathers and a big hat. Or maybe one of those monocles."

"There's something about our collaborations that are just so profit--I mean, creatively fulfilling," added Depp, coughing loudly and then pretending to take a sip of water from a clearly empty bottle. "It would be a shame to deny audiences the opportunity to pay us make at least fourteen more wacky films over the next three years."

June 21, 2011

I Still Love the 90s Part II: Harder.


Sorry, I can't hear you. You're going to need to speak up.

Oh. The music? Yeah, it's pretty great, isn't it?


No, I...uh, I can't turn it down until the song's over, man. Sorry, it''s too good!

But in the meantime, let me tell you what I love about the alternative rock scene of the 1990s. In a word, it was overwhelming. There was so much of it around, so many bands who all sounded a lot like each other while somehow sounding remarkably different. Sure, Alice in Chains resembled Mother Love Bone, but you would never confuse the two if you heard their songs back to back.

I've lauded the shinier, happier version of 90s alt rock, but let's not forget this was also prime time to get up to your elbows in sludgy rock anthems about disappointment, depression, and distaste for everything that preceded. It was a time to wear your heart on the sleeves of your flannel. Sorrow was now a badge of honor. Lyrics about burning loins and drowning livers were ousted in favor of ones about tortured souls and wrecked childhoods.

Basically the 90s.

Here's what's problematic about all this, though: the 90s grunge/alt rock/whatever scene usually tends to separate people into extremely differing camps. There's the hardcore, slightly elitist who view Mudhoney, Pixies, and Dinosaur, Jr. (and other bands no one not in those bands has ever heard of) as the only alt-rock music worth listening to. Then there's grunge traditionalists who cling to Nirvana, Soundgarden, Pearl Jam, and maybe Alice In Chains. The recluses look to Radiohead and Sonic Youth. The goths love Manson and White/Rob Zombie. Those who wandered in late to the party can't get enough of Bush, Stone Temple Pilots, and all the other "grunge-lite" acts.

And then there was Nickelback and Creed. (But we're not going to acknowledge them any further.)

And then, of course, there's the relentless number of sub genres trying to incorporate every Neil, Chuck, and Mark to ever pick up a guitar: industrial rock, college rock, ska punk, post-grunge, post-punk, Post Cereal rock (bringing us such greats as Honey Bunches of Shotguns and Shredded Guitar Wheat), and so on.

Categorizations and individual preferences aside, though, I think it's safe to say everyone can agree on one thing: Hole was a fucking awful band. Right? I don't even care what you think about Courtney Love as a person--if you want to call her that--but you absolutely do not enjoy Hole. Every copy of every Hole album is now on a Goodwill used CD rack. That's not hyperbole, it's fact.

And every hole in Courtney Love is currently filled with a Goodwill employee...

But I'm not here to dwell on the rotten apples. I also realize that hate is subjective. So while I proclaim Hole to be the worst thing to happen to the 90s (at least until Sugar Ray came along), there's going to be someone out there shouting some combination of the words "stupid," "douchebag," and "charlatan" at their computer screens once I confess how much I loved the first Linkin Park album. (Luckily, I won't hear any of this because your laptop speakers do not link directly to my inner conscience.)

So on with the love! 

Though there's far too much to point out individually, I'm going to run down a list of the great music that was made to incite, emote, and make ears bleed. We, as a people, learned about "Sex Type Things" and "Bullets With Butterfly Wings." We were fed Cake, Crackers, Placebos, and Pearl Jam. (Just like grandma used to make.) Some of us even ate Korn and Bizkits but regurgitated it all a few years later.

Much of the decade was a Blur, a rather "Cumbersome" Orgy of "Teen Spirit" that took quite awhile to "Comedown" from. We had "Machineheads" that doubled as Radioheads. We planted Soundgardens and Screaming Trees. Dave Grohl became "My Hero" after Nirvana was no more. Eddie Vedder "Led Better" (and longer) than his grungy counterparts.

Whatever you called your poison, whether it was "grunge" or "heavy alternative" or "space blood rock," there's no getting around the fact that, for better or worse, it was an infinitely cool era to plug in a guitar, dress like a lumberjack, and get your bummer on.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go put on some Our Lady Peace and take a trip down Bleak Lane. Join me?

March 25, 2011

Word Sex

Auto erotic asphyxcianado = Someone well-versed in the art of sexual choking.

Balloon-y Tunes = Bugs and Daffy in a Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Bananigans = Restaurant with a very limited menu.

Beelzetub = A hot tub that's just far too hot.

Goo Goo Fighters = The band behind every rock song on the radio in the 90s.

Medieval Knieval = Man who jumped fire-breathing dragons on his steed.

Mismanage à trois = Why you and your best friend aren't on speaking terms.

Parentesticals = An aside to one's genitals.

Pronounciationanigans = What's keeping you from being able to say this word.

March 16, 2011

American Airlines Charges Extra for Those Fleeing Bahrain, Also Offers Charlie Sheen Free Tropical Getaway.

Increasingly dangerous protests in Bahrain that have so far resulted in riots, several deaths, and a general sense of hostile unrest, can now also add "population isolation" to its effects on the island.

American Airlines, a primary source of flights for U.S. citizens traveling to and from the island, has begun sharply increasing the price of tickets from Bahrain to the U.S. in order to capitalize on the amount of people trying to leave the area.

In related news, American Airlines has also offered to fly actor Charlie Sheen to the tropical resort of his choosing, and put him up in an ocean-view suite, at no cost.

The long-running grudge between Sunnis and Shiites has now escalated to the point that the king of Bahrain has declared a 3-month long state of emergency. Many American citizens were told by booking agents at American Airlines that they would have to pay much higher fees than they would have in previous weeks if they wanted to leave the island.

When reached for comment about why the airline is now charging extra, one AA manager commented that the situation in Bahrain, where martial law was recently implemented, "must not be that serious."

However, Charlie Sheen's recent breakdowns in the national news media have now elevated the possibility of his permanent withdrawal from television and film to "super serious" levels. Representatives for American Airlines realize how taxing the last couple weeks must have been for Sheen, and considered the free vacation a necessary deed to the Two and a Half Men star.

"He's given all of us so much joy over the years," said one AA spokesperson. "We figured this is a good start to showing our immeasurable gratitude."

A one-way ticket from Bahrain to the United States currently costs more than a round-trip flight. Theoretically, if someone wanted to permanently flee the dangerous riots of Bahrain today, that person would pay $1,106 to land in Des Moines, Iowa. However, if that person wished to flee the riots for only a day to get a whiff of the fresh, relatively kill-free Des Moines air, and then promptly return to the dangerous conditions of Bahrain the following day, they would pay just $818.

Sheen has been going back and forth between either Sandals and Bali, but so far hasn't reached a final decision for his fully-comped trip. He's ruled out Maui because he's already been there several times with his ex-wife Denise Richards, which, in Sheen's own words, "totally taints the thermal ecstasy of the sand now."

Another spokesman for American Airlines stated the company plans to raise prices even further if the civil unrest isn't resolved by next week. "People paying $1,100 now should count themselves lucky," he said. "Next week we're going to start charging pints of human blood."

*In a completely farce-less sidebar: please show your disgust by posting this article to your Facebook, Twitter, or other social networking account and write in to American Airlines about this outrageous act of greed!

**Also, only what's presented in bold is factual information, the rest is purely fictitious.