August 25, 2010

Name That Porn.

Hey party people, Justin here. For those who don't know me, I'll explain a bit about myself. I have a two-bedroom loft in West Hollywood, filled with plush lounge chairs, trays of fresh fruit, and copious amounts of items to snort and sniff. And it's all paid for by the two days a week I work at home. I'm the creative director in charge of titular copy-writing for an adult entertainment provider. Basically, I make up the names for your favorite porn movies.

Six Inches of Kevin's Bacon. That was me. Once Upon a Time In Karen. That was mine too. Debbie Does Dallas was some other guy, but the sequel two decades later, Debbie Does Your Taxes (While You Bang Her) was the one that put me at the top of the porno naming game.

You think you like your job? Why, 'cause you teach underprivileged kids how to read? BFD, pal. You drive a company Corvette with a license plate that says "DCK MAN" on it? Yeah, me neither. My Vette's license plate says "UR DONG" because "DCK MAN" was already taken. I bet you think it's rewarding to see the look on some half-retarded 10-year-old's face when he learns how to spell the word "moron." Well buddy, you can't imagine the pride I feel knowing that on Halloween night, a man is going to pick up the new Lexxxus Leggs film because the name Ghosts and Gobblin' caught his eye. It makes me feel warm all over.

The thing people don't understand about my job is that it's equal parts science and art. You look at the genre of the movie first--is it a parody of an existing movie, a big-budget plot pounding, or a simple "guy does girl in back of van" kind of thing?--and then you let your creative juices just drip all over the page. It's exhausting.

Right now I'm working on a three-movie series with an ex-reality star. I'm tentatively calling it Hogan Knows Bestiality. It's a little more low-brow than the type of thing I usually attach my name to, but a guy's gotta eat, ya know what I mean?

I love this job. I'll do it until the day I die or until it's no longer spiritually satisfying for me. When I jot down something like Escape From Ass-catraz and don't feel anything tingle inside me, then I'll know it's time to pack up my dirty word thesaurus and get out. Until then, I hope you'll think of me, Justin Syde-Yu, when you browse your local adult video store and take home The Whole Nine Yards (of Dick).