March 25, 2011

Word Sex

Auto erotic asphyxcianado = Someone well-versed in the art of sexual choking.

Balloon-y Tunes = Bugs and Daffy in a Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Bananigans = Restaurant with a very limited menu.

Beelzetub = A hot tub that's just far too hot.

Goo Goo Fighters = The band behind every rock song on the radio in the 90s.

Medieval Knieval = Man who jumped fire-breathing dragons on his steed.

Mismanage à trois = Why you and your best friend aren't on speaking terms.

Parentesticals = An aside to one's genitals.

Pronounciationanigans = What's keeping you from being able to say this word.

March 16, 2011

American Airlines Charges Extra for Those Fleeing Bahrain, Also Offers Charlie Sheen Free Tropical Getaway.

Increasingly dangerous protests in Bahrain that have so far resulted in riots, several deaths, and a general sense of hostile unrest, can now also add "population isolation" to its effects on the island.

American Airlines, a primary source of flights for U.S. citizens traveling to and from the island, has begun sharply increasing the price of tickets from Bahrain to the U.S. in order to capitalize on the amount of people trying to leave the area.

In related news, American Airlines has also offered to fly actor Charlie Sheen to the tropical resort of his choosing, and put him up in an ocean-view suite, at no cost.

The long-running grudge between Sunnis and Shiites has now escalated to the point that the king of Bahrain has declared a 3-month long state of emergency. Many American citizens were told by booking agents at American Airlines that they would have to pay much higher fees than they would have in previous weeks if they wanted to leave the island.

When reached for comment about why the airline is now charging extra, one AA manager commented that the situation in Bahrain, where martial law was recently implemented, "must not be that serious."

However, Charlie Sheen's recent breakdowns in the national news media have now elevated the possibility of his permanent withdrawal from television and film to "super serious" levels. Representatives for American Airlines realize how taxing the last couple weeks must have been for Sheen, and considered the free vacation a necessary deed to the Two and a Half Men star.

"He's given all of us so much joy over the years," said one AA spokesperson. "We figured this is a good start to showing our immeasurable gratitude."

A one-way ticket from Bahrain to the United States currently costs more than a round-trip flight. Theoretically, if someone wanted to permanently flee the dangerous riots of Bahrain today, that person would pay $1,106 to land in Des Moines, Iowa. However, if that person wished to flee the riots for only a day to get a whiff of the fresh, relatively kill-free Des Moines air, and then promptly return to the dangerous conditions of Bahrain the following day, they would pay just $818.

Sheen has been going back and forth between either Sandals and Bali, but so far hasn't reached a final decision for his fully-comped trip. He's ruled out Maui because he's already been there several times with his ex-wife Denise Richards, which, in Sheen's own words, "totally taints the thermal ecstasy of the sand now."

Another spokesman for American Airlines stated the company plans to raise prices even further if the civil unrest isn't resolved by next week. "People paying $1,100 now should count themselves lucky," he said. "Next week we're going to start charging pints of human blood."

*In a completely farce-less sidebar: please show your disgust by posting this article to your Facebook, Twitter, or other social networking account and write in to American Airlines about this outrageous act of greed!

**Also, only what's presented in bold is factual information, the rest is purely fictitious.