September 27, 2009

Rodney Dangerfield Visits a Coldstone Creamery.

Cake Batter,Coffee, Mint, Sweet Cream or Cheesecake? Toffee bits, Butterfinger pieces, white chocolate chips or Gummi Bears? Waffle bowl, sugar cone, shake or cupcakes? This is why on July 5th, 2003, Rodney Dangerfield spent six and a half hours choosing what kind of cold treat he would like to have.

“You got a lot of options here, ya know? I get more options here than I get respect, I tell ya,” Dangerfield informed the staff behind the counter, waiting to turn his request into a tasty concoction. “So many varieties to choose from nowadays. In my day you had two flavors: chocolate and vanilla. And the vanilla tasted like expired eggs and the chocolate was really just vanilla with a dye-job.”

For a generous part of those six and a half hours, Dangerfield mused on the difference between what ice cream was like “back then” and what it was like “nowadays.” In between tasting several dozen samples of the creamery's flavors, he also speculated on how each mixture might react once in his digestive system.

“I'm a fan of Kit Kat bars but Kit Kat bars ain't a fan of me. They hate my guts! Seriously, they can't stand my intestines, but I can't walk away from the stuff. I like it, I love it, I gotta have it!”

So as not to disrupt the customer flow, Dangerfield routinely allowed the patrons behind him in line to continue ahead of him as he mulled over the possibilities. This is the reason—perhaps the only reason—he was allowed to loiter inside the business for six and a half hours. Still, each person to frequent this particular Coldstone during Dangerfield's stay was provided insight into the many downfalls of the current American society, including (but not limited to) the introduction of the chocolate shell, the economy's mass aversion to sprinkles, and the overall lack of ice cream trucks.

“The ice cream truck gets no respect anymore. The driver, he gets even less respect! The kid gets a strawberry waffle cone that tastes like real strawberries and real waffles and he has a fit, I tell ya. The only reason so many kids chase after it anymore is to get a refund!”

Dangerfield also gave employees several suggestions for new flavors.

“You should get a flavor that tastes like Bananas Foster. I'd eat it twice a day, even though honey does bad things to me. Honey is what I call my wife. She hits me in my sleep and leaves me all sticky afterward. I'm a sado-masochist, ya know?”

He also explained his distaste for their more popular flavors.

“What if I want the first birthday cake mix? Why does everything nowadays need to be redone and remade? Wasn't it done and made the first time? Twice-baked potatoes, re-fried beans, double-fudge brownies, double-stuffed Oreos...”

Dangerfield continued a list of similarly-dissenting foods until well after 10 o'clock, when workers were attempting to close down the store. He left Coldstone Creamery that night with a bowl full of pecans covered in whipped topping, singing the lyrics to Erasure's “A Little Respect” all the way to Burger King. The rest of his night was spent debating the high school staff on exactly how a lobster sandwich didn't fit into the company's branding of having it “his way.”

1 comment:

  1. this is too funny! I think Rodney's got just about all of it right. Coldstone sober is truly a frightening place :)