October 18, 2010

Shaky Jake: Facebook Status Editor

No, no, no. You're still not getting it. The whole idea of a Facebook status update is to grab all your friends' attention and let them know, without a doubt, that you're not f'ing around here!

Let's go over it again. When Jenny reads that you "wish some people would just get over themselves," she's not going to know you're talking about her. Because you're not being specific enough! When she told you how excited she was about those new bedazzled headphones for her iPod, she probably didn't even catch your inconspicuous eye roll--mostly because that's what the word "inconspicuous" means. So do you really think your passive aggressive update is going to catch her attention? If anything, I suspect Jenny's going to "like" that update.

Go for the jugular! Try something like, "I wish some people wouldn't bedazzle every goddamn thing they own and stop cheating on RICKY WITMER with that douche from her Intro to State Gov class!" And to make sure it doesn't go unnoticed in the news feed, comment on your own update an hour later with the douche-in-question's address and phone number if you have the information handy. Now you're being specific and helpful!

And what about this update from Friday? You're "gearing up" for the weekend?
Mm. Mm hmm.
Well...who isn't? Not that I'm sure everyone won't be super impressed by your willingness to drink on a Friday--clearly you're a party animal--but this might be an undersell. Instead, let everyone know of your dedication and, again, be specific. Maybe something along the lines of "ready for tonight, I think: flares, wire cutters, shot of adrenaline, and a change of pants. Let's go bar-hopping!" Extra points if you post it on a Tuesday.

Hey! Are you even paying attention? Look, I'm trying to help--did you just post another status? What's it say?

Uggh. Inspirational song lyrics? ...Really? Okay, I understand that Josh Groban really "speaks to you" but nobody should have to wade through twenty lines of sappy, faux-motivational lyrics. No matter how badly you need to express your wish to "stand on mountains" and "walk on stormy seas." If you're going to go the lyric route--or post movie quotes--make it more than sappy and/or inspirational. Make it informative! Get everything out in the open using Tiny Tim's "She Left Me With the Herpes." Or make it instructional! Let Poison express exactly how you want that special someone to talk dirty to you. (Even though they still haven't confirmed your request to be in a relationship.)

Whatever you do, be specific, be confident, and most importantly, don't post an update every hour. Or I'll come back for another lesson. And I'll bring some rope, a ball gag, several swords, and a video camera. And my status will read: "Shaky Jake is gearing up for the weekend!"


  1. lol

    Well, it would certainly liven up Facebook.

  2. Sometimes I like to write nasty messages about my coworkers on Post-It notes and tape them to the underside of their desks where they won't find them. I'd post them on Facebook, but for SOME REASON they won't friend me.

  3. I think if you used larger Post-Its they'd be more inclined to click the Accept button. Just keep at 'em.