October 14, 2009

7 Dead in Local Pub, Cast of Cheers Covered in Vomit.

16 years later...

Onlookers will forever remember the event as if culled from a syndicated version of their cold sweat-inducing nightmares. Their gag reflexes will spark upon each and every reflection. 1 in 23 Americans will claim to have witnessed it, but only a handful make this claim truthfully.

Insides on their outsides. Outsides covered in their insides...

Ted Danson, beloved television actor and probable recurring lead in the next 3 Men and a [...] sequel, was the first to succumb to what would gently be referred to by the press as "alcohol poisoning" in a Pittsford, New York pub. His body was found on the very bar stool he had been sipping a vodka tonic on just minutes earlier, clutching a copy of Becker: Season 6 to his chest. It was his 768th vodak tonic since the final episode of Cheers aired on May 20th, 1993.

According to the bartender--the only witness to come forward since the incident--Danson "just kept staring at the DVD case he was holding, shaking his head back and forth and saying 'come on, get it together.'" The bartender fetched another patron a drink and returned to Danson to see him face down on the bar, which was now drenched in vomit. Underneath all the puke and bile he had no pulse.

It was everywhere...

In another corner of the pub, two fellow Cheers alum were reminiscing. The barkeep says George Wendt (Norm) had just finished trading opinions on the pros and cons of doing voice-over work with John Ratzenberger (Cliff), when his face became scrunched and discolored. Wendt set down his empty glass, leaned back in his chair and performed his final, fatal pratfall. The bartender claims that "Cliff gave a double-take deserving of more canned laughter than the world could offer." He even spit out his drink, his 8,233rd Pabst Blue Ribbon since beginning work on Toy Story 2.

Ratzenberger's reaction was not an acting maneuver, though. Realizing his former buddy and co-star wasn't breathing, he jumped off his stool and began an attempted resuscitation. But while pumping at Wendt's heart, his own gave out on him. Clutching his chest in agony, he vomited twice--once on himself and once on Wendt, an act of camaraderie some might suggest--and slid to the floor in a heap.

Some kind of miraculous tragedy...

Coroners later found Kirstie Alley in a ladies' room stall, pig fat sandwich in one hand, a bottle of Jameson (her 87th since Fat Actress was cancelled) in the other, and remnants of her stomach lining covering her blouse. The official cause of death was never released, but various rumors suggest it had something to do with a piece of pig gristle found clinging to one side of her throat. Regardless of what may or may not have killed Kirstie Alley, it is deemed certain that the sight of Kirstie Alley is what caused her Cheers' precedent Shelley Long to keel over and hit her head on the bathroom sink, causing hemorrhaging in her brain. (Long was making a pitstop/bathroom break while on her way to her engagement as director of Pittsford Elementary's rendition of Wicked.)

A truly supernatural stench overtook the place...

Bebe Neuwirth (Lilith) was discovered in the bar's phone booth, hunched over a vodka-cranberry and a pornographic photo of Rod Stewart, which was, of course, covered in vomit. Rhea Perlman (Carla) was found dead somewhere in the pub, too, though no one can quite remember exactly where--possibly due to the conspicuous absense of vomit on or around her.

It's like the Civil War all over again...

Woody Harrelson and Kelsey Grammer, the only cast members not present during the time of the incident (Nicholas Colasanto, who played Coach Ernie Pantusso, had already died in 1985), are being detained by Rochester police for questioning. Grammer has gone on record, issuing the follow statement:
"The shenanigans that took place have been injected with so much hyperbole that it's become utter folderol. It would be scrofulous of me to make any suggestions of what happened that night, as my propinquity to the events was distant. I will chrysostomatically rationalize thoughts of the occurence to myself, but to offer other animadversion would be pure conjecture.
Grammer added, "Onomatopoeia!"

No decision has been made as to whether there will be a group funeral or not. In all likelihood though, it will be televised in some facet on some kind of network at some point in the semi-near future.

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