October 28, 2009

The Spiffy Clothing Effect.

Mathematics be damned. Must equations always involve numbers and numerics and numerals and numbness? Sometimes. But not today. Strap yourselves in for this brain buster because it's one heck of a doozie, folks. One heck of a doozie, indeed.

This ratio might save your life. This ratio will save your life. Sitting down? Glass of water at the ready? The amount of money a celebrity spends on their clothing is directly proportionate to the aura of dickhead they will give off in public. Boom, pow. Yeah, no fooling around here. Just calling a spade a spade and an asshole a douchebag. The fancier the clothes, the more likely that the famous person wearing them will act out in a way akin to a toddler in a toy store whose parents have only enough money for one of the toys they want. Except the celebrities don't want a toy. They want to make you cry.

If years of reading Us Weekly has taught me anything it's that wealthy people like to look wealthy. And if listening to Puff Daddy has taught me anything it's that "mo' money" equals "mo' problems." And also that it's "all about the Benjamins." And similarly, he can both "make this money" and "take this money." Really, what I've learned is that Sean P Puff Diddy Daddy Combs likes to rap about money. And he's an asshole. The equation doesn't lie.

Here: a helpful tutorial for the basic levels of fanciness as related to the actions that will follow from that particular level of fancy pantsiness.
  • A celebrity wearing a t-shirt and ratty jeans helps an elderly woman change a flat tire.
  • A celebrity wearing a hipster hoodie calls that same elderly woman a tow-truck, but then blatantly mocks the woman behind her back. 
  • A celebrity wearing a Prada anything stabs the elderly woman and steals her purse. And then burns the valuables and pours an expensive white wine on the ashes. 
  • A celebrity wearing floppy shoes and full body armor spins in an empty parking lot for hours until falling down due to pure dizziness/exciteabilty. (As not every clothing choice is directly related to the dickhead principle.)
The various degrees of spiffy attire aren't always easy to detect. There are sub-categories of each degree and can often be confusing to the untrained eye. Paisley tie vs. power tie? Aviators vs. Aztecs? Cool sweater vest vs. lame, though incredibly similar sweater vest? Plenty of factors at play here. For this reason, play it safe. Don't get too close to someone you recognize from television if that person looks like they might have spent a lot of money on that backpack they're toting around. Especially if the backpack is empty. This would clearly be a non-fuctional aesthetic choice which shows that they have no regard for the cost of things. They might kick your dog. (And if you're not walking a dog/don't own a dog, it's entirely possible that they'll take you to a nearby pet store, buy you a dog, and then kick it. Remember, they are ruthless.)

Other signs to watch out for: reality stars wearing fuzzy scarves. Game show hosts with impeccable jewelry. 3-piece suits in heavily-wooded areas. Any men wearing fancy bracelets. Suits are okay if they look something like this:

Those are okay. He's probably just going to a wedding. Or is being inducted into some kind of classy hall of fame along with other purple vest-wearing famous people. Either way, you're in the clear. But if the suit looks like this:

See, that's not even a suit. That's a blazer that somehow costs more than an actual suit. And it's just one half of the suit. Do not approach this celebrity. He's probably on one of the CW shows. He'll be a dickhead.

(Imporant Sidenote: if you see Bruce Willis wearing Gucci shoes, you're probably already dead.)

The Oscar pre-show isn't going to show you this stuff. I'm telling you all this because I care about you. The next time I read about a Gap shopper being slapped in the face by a sharply-dressed Seth Rogen...it just...it makes the day a little harder...

Just...be careful out there. For me.


  1. I think I am going to wear ratty jeans for the rest of my life, because then I will sort of be incognito. That assumes that I am a celebrity though, right (or am i)? Because if I wore ratty jeans and wasn't, then I would just be some regular old "just got out of bed" or "I'm replacing a fence" type of person and then it wouldn't be ironic.

  2. Something about this post has made me feel much better about my wardrobe.