October 11, 2009

Entertainment in Heaven Really "Kicking It Up a Notch."

The 2009 season has been an eventful one. Dozens of new residents have been drafted--some completely out of left field--and the year isn't even over yet. So what can we expect in the final months of '09? "A lot more where that came from," according to the ruler of the heavens, The Almighty.

The guy upstairs has made no bones (or at least, very few bones) of the fact that the entertainment level had been stagnant up in the clouds for too long. It needed a strong celebrity injection and it needed it fast. The comedians' jokes were tired, the musicians' songs had been sung a billion times over, and the cast of "actors" couldn't perform to save their immortal souls. A change needed to happen, if for no other reason than to boost the morale of the rest of the eternally restless spirits. So tough decisions were made and the end result was a mind-blowing set of picks being sent heavenward.

This year's rookie squad reads like an MVP roster: Michael Jackson, Patrick Swayze, Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcet, Issac Hayes, Les Paul, John Hughes, David Caradine, et cetera. According to consummate "boob tube" watcher, Pope John Paul II, it was "especially pleasing to see Dom DeLouise could finally join us. I loved him in that hidden camera program. He is just a hoot."

Saint Peter, the angel in charge of Primary Entertainment Programming (PEP), has expressed his satisfaction in the quality of recently-deceased by gushing that "it finally feels like a family up here." He added, "I've been working on signing Swayze since I saw his breath-taking performance in Ghost. We're big fans of his work." According to most in the clouds, Patrick Swayze was one of the last big pieces to a successful 2009 draft.

But while this year seems to be the year that Heaven reaped all the entertainment benefits, a change in the air could be noticed as early as January of 2008 when God made what has been referred to since as "the big call home." Actor Heath Ledger was brought on board just after completing his star-making turn as The Joker in Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight. The drafting of Ledger was jaw-dropping to those upstairs who witnessed it first hand. Said one angel: "I haven't gotten chills like that since the first time I met Elvis at the annual Pearly Gates Meet n' Greet."

The big question remains: what other tricks does God have up his sleeve? Though no official answer has been given, a representative on His behalf told us that "He is very excited about the recent acquisition of Japanese rock musician Kiyoshiro Imawano. God has become tired of hearing Johnny Cash sing In My Life every five seconds and is excited for some new death up here."

All lips were sealed when the question arose of who was next in line. But we did overhear something about the cast of Cheers...


  1. God, please don't take the following: David Strathairn, Viggo Mortenson, anyone from the Flaming Lips, Jack White, or Simon Cowell. Thank you.

    I can't even imagine the reception Heath must've gotten up there. And I bet Patrick Swayze keeps everyone laughing with his impression of his "Ghost" character -- popping back down to earth all glowy to "spook" his loved ones. HAHAHAHA! Good one, God!

  2. Heaven needs a DJ. A guy I know with inside information whispered to me that Dick Clark is ready to sign an eternity contract.