October 20, 2009

Comic Actors Form Coalition to Perpetually Disappoint Audiences.

Announced last Saturday on set of the new Eddie Murphy film Fat Black Swim Team, a smattering of Hollywood's A-list has-beens and former funny people will be coming together to once and for all put an end to any sort of joy being experienced at the movies. The announcement came from Murphy himself who, while wearing a prosthetic fatsuit and oversized speedo, was preparing for a scene in which he played all 16 members of the titular swim team training for the fictional Huge Ass Olympics.

"People are always smilin' when they come out of my movies," said Murphy. "Big, goofy grins, ya know? Like they just saw somethin' really funny or endearing. But I haven't done shit that's funny or endearing since Beverly Hills Cop 3."

Affixing a thick, curly wig beneath a swim cap, Murphy continued, "I'm sick of people thinkin' I'm hilarious for no damn good reason. They need to learn what funny is and what it ain't. And what funny ain't is Nutty Professor III: Klumps of Dookie." He explained, "That's why I haven't made a decent movie that wasn't Shrek in over 15 years. I'm controlling the laughs now."

Joining Murphy in the joy-sucking are former collaborators Steve Martin, Martin Lawrence and Mike Meyers, as well as Ben Stiller, Robin Williams, Rob Schneider and Tyler Perry. It is projected that Tyler Perry will overthrow Murphy and take control of the group in a matter of months. (Jim Carrey and Bill Murray are both unsure of whether or not to join. Every six months they change their minds one way or another.)

Steve Martin, the first to enlist in Murphy's brigade against the American viewing public, stated that he and Murphy had considered starting the protest many years ago when they worked together on Bowfinger, which was supposed to be an outright gut-punch to the giggling masses, but ended up being more of an ear-flick. According to Martin's publicist, "that mistake won't be repeated."

Together these non-comedic actors will make fans of humor, wit, hilarity, smiles, laughter, amusement, jokes, and even tomfoolery wish they never stepped foot inside their local movie theater to temporarily escape the sorrows of their own lives.
Said Murphy, "We're sort of like The Expendables of the comedy genre in that we're a supergroup of movie veterans." He added, "And we will take 12 dollars out of your pocket and slowly kill your soul with broad sight gags and off-putting one-liners every time you make the poor decision to see one of our movies. As God as my witness, we will not stop until there is no more funny left in this world."

Look for the group's first official project, Latex Bodysuit Face Scrunching Terrible Accent Promise Not Disappointment to hit theaters alongside the much-anticipated I Paid 12 Bucks For a Punch in the Nuts?

1 comment:

  1. oh, my. I can hardly wait to not see this. The lowest common denominator of the movie going public isn't as low as Hollywood thinks. I don't know if this is more disturbing or encouraging. (Steve is one of my favorite humans. As far as his movies, I only liked LA Story, Roxanne and Parenthood)